Friday, October 28, 2011

Why pain and joy are 2 sides of the same coin.

     Here's something I'm starting to realize and want to pass along... It's okay to be sensitive. I am just now derailing my long held subconscious belief that emotion = weakness. The ones able to feel deeply are the luckiest ones, for though they may suffer more pains in the heart than their fellow humans, they will also feel the deepest awe and appreciation. They will see magic in every day occurrences that leave others saying "what's so special about that?" I still marvel at the beauty of the moon each and every time I see it, and I hope that never changes.

I've seen more than one person cry in front of me and then apologize for it. They may as well say "Sorry for being human." It's simply nonsensical. When I see someone cry, I feel it. This means I, like many others, am gifted with empathy. This is what connects us and makes us alive. No one is made of steel and no one should pretend to be and then feel bad for failing.

A smart person I know said this yesterday:
"Any experience is better than no experience. Only the body-mind qualifies some experiences as bad and others as good. So enjoy your suffering cause it means you EXIST, you lucky bastard!"

So let's stop automatically placing certain emotions in the "bad" category while classifying others as good. I'm glad to feel sadness because it makes my happiness that much sweeter. I am glad to feel joy because there was a time when I did not:
I used to be hooked on Oxycontin and was a literal zombie. Having the drug was a prerequisite for (false)happiness. I have a memory of Christmas over at my ex's mom's house and getting off work to go over there, and being so pissed and feeling so hopeless that he had not found a way to get some. I had to fake the happiness I displayed over there. I needed OC to do anything, even go open presents that my boyfriend's mom bought me. I remember barely being able to eat any of the amazing meals they had over there for Thanksgiving or Christmas because I ate so rarely and my stomach couldn't handle more than a few bites. It was bittersweet because some of it was almost enjoyable, would have been had I not been so far from normal, yet my mind was hijacked by this craving and angst present due to the absence of being high.
My life was nothing but angst. It was such an odd feeling being around normal people who didn't need drugs or even alcohol, hearing them banter good-naturedly and being unable to have a genuine smile in response. I did not feel anything but craving. I could never fully relate to them because I was in such a different universe, constantly. I tried and probably often failed to look normal rather than empty. It's rather uncomfortable to recall these things but I would not trade any of those experiences because I appreciate things so deeply now. This is an extremely personal experience that I'm externalizing because though I would have been ashamed of it once, I am not now. I felt what it was like to feel like a walking dead person and now bask in simply being alive! So don't apologize for your emotions, embrace them!


  1. We should all feel sorrow, but not sink under it's oppression. That goes for any kind of emotion, balance is the key to a healthy mind, a understanding mind, a compassionate mind a empathetic mind. :)

    Enjoyable read!

    You are a fascinating individual.

  2. This was an incredibly eye-opening post for me to read... I'm a member of HE and had read some of your inspiring posts over in the discussions there, but this particular entry hit me harder than a piece of writing has in quite some time. I'm currently struggling with a bit of a drug addiction which I fear has dummed my emotions down quite a bit. I worry that I'll be addicted forever, and I want so badly to be able to grasp my emotions again. This post gave me the glimpse of hope that I so badly needed. I've been looking for some sort of professional advice, but it is much more meaningful to hear a person who genuinely felt the tear of addiction and can translate the experience in a way that I fully comprehend. Thank you for sharing your story, it meant a lot to me on a day like today.

  3. cle2n, I can't begin to say how much that means. Take it from someone who made it out, it is possible no matter how hopeless it seems... You just have to be really, really, really fed up with it, which took me a long time but I finally got there. Message me on HE if you wanna talk more about it.

  4. The last line says it all: "and now bask in simply being alive!"
    Thats all that matters and I am happy for you.
    (keep smiling)