Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Surrealist Mumbo Jumbo

I forgot the importance of fiction. I had forgotten that important messages and lessons can be gleaned in the most unexpected of ways. I've been failing to remember that nothing is inherently good or bad except that thinking makes it so. I've been hesitating, suspended in limbo. I've been limiting myself to rules and regulations, acting like rearranging the furniture on the porch is going to make the inside of the house more organized. I've been selective with which friends I want to be around, failing to remember that when you know how to listen, everyone is the guru. I have not kept in mind that any time I encounter someone, even one I have known for years, I am encountering a new entity. To assume I "know" them is pure foolishness.

I've been worshiping expectations, and worshiping this funk, unwittingly.

I've been puzzling over the order, progress, and speed of things, while completely forgetting that life is not linear. It all happens at once and BOOM, flowers can have eyes. I can dance and sing. I can decide not to be a painter. I can write poems and blog entries that do not make sense and forgo the impulse to go searching for or assigning meaning to them. What I assign does not matter. I AM. I can fear that I'm losing my mind and not care one way or another. I can live a completely ordinary life or make a habit of hitch hiking.

I can stop editing myself, I can START turning that search beam inward. I can also extract answers out of the depths and crevasses of my being and be unafraid of what comes out.

I can unlearn.

Friday, October 25, 2013

free write

Leaves start being tinged with rouge, orange, and liquid gold. They drift to the ground as if hinting at the approaching snow, making way for bareness, for refuge seeking, hibernation, and rebirth. We begrudgingly loop scarves around our necks as if a grudge against what the sky is doing matters any.

Where are the new and strange people with stories to tell?
I'd like to rewrite my own stories, and to strike a creative goldmine.

I hope to be wandering out in the woods one day and trip over a branch to find myself submerged in a stream of creative consciousness that will carry me wherever it wants to.

Maybe it'll pour me out into a cathedral of sound where the challenge is not to find chords that complement each other, but single out a melody from the myriad of endless perfectly paired notes.
I'll look up to see swirling colors on the roof and the question will not be what to paint, but how quickly I can get my hands on a brush to dip in that ceiling and begin.

Upon walking out my surroundings will be moving. I will have to join them to prevent getting motion sickness, and the question will not be of what movements will look best together but doing what my body is crying out for me to do.
I will walk right past the bar because who in their right mind would choose to go sit in a dark room when there is such wonder to behold in staying in motion?

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Recent travels and lessons.

            A few days ago I got back from a week long California trip. We literally got off the flight, got home at 9pm, went out with some friends(one who was passing through our city on her way to Colorado) and spontaneously decided to drive 8 hours to Denver the following Friday morning. I was already stuffed to the brim with new experiences and just wanted to rest at home and practice cello having missed an entire week of practice, but my boyfriend was so excited about the idea that I agreed to it.

Once I got there I didn't regret it at all...

There are quite a few lessons and realizations I've gleaned from that entire travelling experience. Upon arriving home from the separate Colorado trip, I started coming down with the flu. This is the result of not sleeping enough while being away from home, and starting to get careless about what I put into my body during the second half of the trip. I knew I needed some rest after California but I pressed on anyway, and I paid for it.

When we returned Sunday, I spent the entire day in bed sleeping with my significant other bringing me minced garlic to swallow, raw honey, and vegetable broth to drink, in between the sleep. My body forced me to rest and get some nutrients in me since I had pretty much been neglecting to do so. The intelligence of the body is truly astounding and if you neglect to take care of it, it will force you to rest.

In California, I had a falling out with a really close friend of mine. Close enough to have matching symbol tattoos signifying our friendship. Though she was rude to me and rude to Luke one of the nights over a petty incident, that isn't the main reason here. I've felt it coming on for a while.
When we would talk on the phone after 6 months of not hearing each other's voices. I would be sitting in my backyard pondering or writing about something, have her call me, voice various concerns going on in her life, and realize that we have a lot less in common than we used to. My concerns are different, what I want to focus on is different, the way I view life and myself is different, to the point of clashing. I suspected all of this and only had it confirmed and solidified after spending a couple days with her. So the lesson there is a tried and true one that many people know, people change and grow apart. Sometimes it's more painful to stay in a relationship/friendship than it is to part ways.

Returning from this trip and getting back to my trusty work desk, where I currently write this entry from, I've come to the conclusion that after being in new places for a while and returning to your old life, it's the perfect time to discard old habits or acquire new ones. Basically it's a good time to start fresh and decide who you want to be, because you've been taken out of your routine.

Another lesson, will power and risk gets you places.