Journal entry from 10-7

I'm exploring bodies and touch, mistaking that for a road map that leads to my soul.
When all is said and done, I know what the inside of your mouth tastes like but still lack knowledge of my spirit's flavor. Yes I'm fulfilling my base desires, but they are just that; base. Fun, sexy, and mostly empty.
I find myself longing for a connection where we understand one another without explanation but what that desire really is, is a manifestation of my neglect to know myself that way.

Creating is what makes me sane and makes me me and helps me breathe.
-Writing is my lifeboat.
-Singing is my soul in sound.
-Painting is my flowing id.
-The hoop is my centering motion

Get over your fear of self love, even if you have to do that by telling yourself it will help you love others better and more genuinely. I have so many overwhelming feelings, but that is why I'm an artist in so many senses of the word. The trick is to learn how to channel all of that energy into a focal point... otherwise train wrecks shall ensue.

thought

I withheld the fact that I left my body when we finally released that tension. Every cell sung electric and my mind was gone; not just quiet but not there at all. I was enveloped in the void, free of my flesh through union of flesh.

Nov 10

Starting November 6th I'm not supposed to drink or smoke tobacco for one week (because of dental work). This has been awesome and purifying, even though I've already wanted to break it more than once. It sounds less appealing as time goes on. I am cleansing my body and mind and I can already feel the difference in my mental state and ability to sit still without succumbing to the impulse of my mind latching onto things.

In September I took a huge leap that I was terrified of, but felt was necessary in the deepest part of me, and things have been aligning more perfectly than I could ever intentionally orchestrate since the moment I got on that bus.

I am learning to let the universe flow through me uninhibited. Sometimes I get anxious or scared but I am mostly just too fucking excited about life to get caught up on worries. I am blessed and blissed. The more I reflect on events, emotions, people, etc, the more I see the yin and yang of pleasure and pain, and the less I want to strive for one and avoid the other. It makes no sense to cling to certain emotional states, and I think I'm finally realizing that on a fundamental, experiential level, rather than just philosophically. The more I watch myself, the more I see this as true.

Last night I heard this idea that 2 people trying to love each other who have not learned to love themselves is like 2 beggars begging from each other. This really hit me. I see now, more than ever, the importance of knowing myself inside out. This, in combination with trying to keep the void in mind, is conscious work, and I am loving the intensity.


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I had dental surgery 2 days ago, and they prescribed me opiates. The day before the surgery I was 10 months clean off opiates.

I decided that it was okay and I could handle it even though I had had problems (to put it mildly) with them in the past. I still don't know if this was my fear of physical pain or some dormant junkie tendencies talking, or maybe (likely) a mix of both.

What happened was they prescribed me 20 pills and I was supposed to take one every 6 hours but I ended up taking 10 the first day and the other 10 the second day. Today is the third day. It's almost shameful to admit these things, but it's really not. My brain feels slightly fuzzy today, but I'm not crushed or craving.

While on those pills I did not feel any happiness that surpassed my normal sober level of happiness. It used to be that they created happiness within me, and allowed me to experience peace. This is not the case anymore. They made me irritable, and itchy, and hot. They made it hard to think clearly and even to fully enjoy something great that happened yesterday, yet I still compulsively took them and obsessed about them. I think I used to enjoy them so much because I was always in pain before and they numbed me and made everything hurt less. Now I enjoy existence for the most part and being disconnected from my innate sensitivity towards it was not enjoyable at all.

I feel like I've outgrown the mentality that something like that could bring me anything worthwhile, yet I still found myself going through the familiar motions of an addict. Addiction makes no sense whatsoever.

It's actually kind of scary to think about. Scary, ridiculous, and absurd. I don't know what I needed to prove to myself, or what the point of that was. I feel glad that that experience didn't fuck my entire world up and make me want to spiral back down into oblivion (maybe knowing I don't have that option/connections for the drug helps too). I feel confused that it happened at all, but mostly I just feel neutral and will continue living. I still know what I want, I still mostly know who I am and where I'm going and I'm excited for the future.

Still focusing on enjoying each step, feeling, passion, without necessarily needing to act on or express all of them to people.

Things I'm addicted to now:
Sweet potatoes
The yoga moon salutation
Pictures of sloths
Loving people

“I interviewed a woman who is terminally ill. ‘So,’ I tried to delicately ask, ‘What is it like to wake up every morning and know that you are dying?’ ‘Well,’ she responded, ‘What is it like to wake up every morning and pretend that you are not?’”