Saturday, November 8, 2014

I had dental surgery 2 days ago, and they prescribed me opiates. The day before the surgery I was 10 months clean off opiates.

I decided that it was okay and I could handle it even though I had had problems (to put it mildly) with them in the past. I still don't know if this was my fear of physical pain or some dormant junkie tendencies talking, or maybe (likely) a mix of both.

What happened was they prescribed me 20 pills and I was supposed to take one every 6 hours but I ended up taking 10 the first day and the other 10 the second day. Today is the third day. It's almost shameful to admit these things, but it's really not. My brain feels slightly fuzzy today, but I'm not crushed or craving.

While on those pills I did not feel any happiness that surpassed my normal sober level of happiness. It used to be that they created happiness within me, and allowed me to experience peace. This is not the case anymore. They made me irritable, and itchy, and hot. They made it hard to think clearly and even to fully enjoy something great that happened yesterday, yet I still compulsively took them and obsessed about them. I think I used to enjoy them so much because I was always in pain before and they numbed me and made everything hurt less. Now I enjoy existence for the most part and being disconnected from my innate sensitivity towards it was not enjoyable at all.

I feel like I've outgrown the mentality that something like that could bring me anything worthwhile, yet I still found myself going through the familiar motions of an addict. Addiction makes no sense whatsoever.

It's actually kind of scary to think about. Scary, ridiculous, and absurd. I don't know what I needed to prove to myself, or what the point of that was. I feel glad that that experience didn't fuck my entire world up and make me want to spiral back down into oblivion (maybe knowing I don't have that option/connections for the drug helps too). I feel confused that it happened at all, but mostly I just feel neutral and will continue living. I still know what I want, I still mostly know who I am and where I'm going and I'm excited for the future.

Still focusing on enjoying each step, feeling, passion, without necessarily needing to act on or express all of them to people.

Things I'm addicted to now:
Sweet potatoes
The yoga moon salutation
Pictures of sloths
Loving people

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