Sunday, December 21, 2014

Though at first the uncertainty of my future scared the living daylights out of me, I am now exhilarated by not knowing what's to come. I never really knew anyway but now even the illusion of having some idea has been shattered.

I think I may go to France!

I really like my job and the opportunities it gives me to brighten people's days. For the first time I'm working and not staring at the clock the entire time waiting to be off.

I like the slow unfolding of the unknown however frustrating it can be at times

I am choosing to be empowered by this rather than dismantled. I'm giving everything space to breathe, including myself. I am getting out of the habit of feeling like I need to share things to validate them. There are too many potential connections out there to get hung up on the possible loss of one. Fuck it!

I'm not sure if I believe that the cosmos or planets have any direct effect on our states of mind but the fact that this is coinciding with the equinox is cool and metaphorically significant if nothing else.

All of the ideas I had about myself are changing. I feel limitless and here and now, finally growing roots deep within myself for the first time ever. I'm learning that everything passes however devastating it feels in the moment.... It just continues to shift and throw surprises at me and I'm excited to see what comes next even if I am scared at the same time.

Centrifugal force units pulling out my chest
nonsensical wordplay, way too close of a freeway
I'm hanging on surreal and banking on fiction,
extracting a mess of tongue-tied diction


Thursday, December 18, 2014


That is the lesson I keep learning over and over.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

I feel very absorbent, factual, modern, and literal lately. I am the left brain right now. Black and white. My gray is somewhere else. My creative flow is on a hiatus. I'm getting used to being a night owl again. I'm distract-able; all about numbers and calculating. I keep surprising myself with my interests lately. I feel out of character for a bit when I first change until I remember again that static character does not exist. My moods are always different. Every day is a different world. I think I am beginning to get the hang of the fact that all is ever changing instead of being disoriented by it. I will not create anxiety if I do not look for consistency where I won't find it.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

I start these things never knowing how I am going to possibly describe what's in my head but here is my attempt at the description of an indescribable night. My friends and I were on our way to a little mini festival out in rural Nebraska. The rolling hills stretched around us, the weather was fucking perfect, the ideal Midwestern autumn. I took in everything around me as fully as I could, knowing I'd be leaving this part of the country very soon.

My 3 male friends all put tabs of acid on their tongue in the car on the way there, one of them even opted for 2. Being someone who enjoys being around tripping people as much as or more than tripping myself, I started getting excited to experience what their moods would be. We all passed around a giant mason jar of rum spiked coffee.

We got to the campsite and set up our tent and started drinking some beers. We set up a couple extra tents for our friends who would be joining us. It was late afternoon and the sun was golden and beautiful. We set up lawn chairs and all sat around talking and laughing with each other. We did some yoga.
My ex boyfriend showed up with his girlfriend and a couple other people. That had been a semi-awkward dynamic because her and I got along really well but he was uncomfortable with us being friends, so her and I didn't talk much at the beginning of the night, but as we all got more inebriated this changed. The very few times I've ever been around this woman I have been in awe of her in so many different ways. She is so intelligent, beautiful, talented as hell musically, and just all around awesome. I got a chance to get to know her better that night and even hear her sing some opera, and I'm very grateful for that. There was amazing music that night which included a funk band and a duo comprised of a drummer and a piano player that was surprisingly complex and lovely, but I spent a very small amount of time in the stage area and more time wandering around the farm and talking with my friends.

At one point me and 4 or 5 other friends were laying in a field talking about anal sex. I really enjoy asking people extremely personal questions, because how they respond tells a lot about them, not necessarily the specifics of their responses but the attitude in which they answer. Not surprisingly, all the people I was with answered frankly and without shame and we had a great conversation. Walking back to the campfire my ex's girlfriend I started talking about my ex and her current, and he happened to walk up to us at that very moment, pull me aside, and ask me to please stop paying so much attention to her because it was making him uncomfortable. This was one of those moments where I was extremely frustrated by the paradigm of what couples are and the unnecessary insecurity it tends to create, but I also felt really bad because I value his friendship a lot and didn't want him to feel bad.

He and I ended up talking it out and it was fine, and we proceeded to go listen to the music. It was about 1 or 2 in the morning and one of my friends asked me if I'd like to partake in some mushroom tea. This was a crazy idea since it was already late and I was already pretty fucked up but I decided why the hell not?
So my friend proceeded to prepare the mushroom tea as we sat in our lawn chairs around the little stove and bowl he had set up. The moonlight was so bright and it felt very ceremonial as we passed the metal bowl around and drank the tea.  A little later the music was all done and we sat around the giant campfire. The mushrooms started kicking in and people around me that I didn't know seemed a little eerie, but I had my best friend there and also a new friend who had hung with us that night who I was really coming to appreciate. I got to know him pretty well in front of that fire, and could see his open and cheerful spirit very clearly as we talked about various things and people and situations.

Reality got weird and the people around the campfire came and went and I was sitting many different places around the fire throughout the night but towards the end of the night I ended up sitting with a smaller group of people passing around a guitar, and they started playing Phish songs. I didn't know any of them but I felt amazing kinship through the music. I felt extremely grateful that I had been introduced to the amazingness that is Phish previously and could share a bond with complete strangers over it.

There was a moment when an old acquaintance of mine who I used to play music with walked up with his girlfriend and sat down next to me. I moved closer to share their blanket and ended up sitting pretty close to him. He put his hand on my knee and his girlfriend sat right there smiling and we all sang Phish songs. This was an immensely beautiful moment because it embodied my personal philosophy of love in its pure form.

Monday, December 8, 2014

Lately my life consists of working, and working, and working, and I'm really liking it. I always used to see work as an annoying necessity of life, but now that I have a specific goal in mind it's pretty satisfying. I sleep better (for both physical and mental reasons), worry less, and am, in general, immensely relieved.

My life is utter simplicity out here. I come to my job and I go home. I still do not have any friends in Arizona, and it gets a little lonely sometimes but for the most part I don't mind it. I don't know if I intend to make any friends here; probably not. The solitude is healthy and it's exactly what I need right now even if it can be trying at certain times when I really just want a hug from or a conversation with a like mind. It's giving me a chance to know myself better though, and I need that.

One of my favorite books talks about the importance of being connected with your inner body, and having deep roots within. This way emotions cannot take you on a wild ride and mess you up mentally... so I am trying to keep this in mind, especially during times of overwhelming curiosity about the future, physical and mental frustration, or anxiety. It is getting easier to stay aware even if it feels like I take steps backwards now and again. I have read somewhere that the higher you go, the harder you fall, and this helps to remember when I feel like I start fucking up in some area.

I've been playing guitar a lot again and getting back in touch with my musical side always feels amazing. The chord B9 is hard as hell and cramps my hand but it gets easier each time I play it. If all I accomplish while I'm here is paying off the lease I bailed on in Iowa, saving money, and getting better at guitar, I'll feel it was time well spent. Being here is an adventure, but more of an inward one.

Spending so much time alone has woken me up to how much anxiety I carry on a regular basis. It is something I am learning how to derail and redirect, and my general disposition is becoming pretty calm. I am loving the Phoenix winter. I'm at work right now and when I look out the window it's a pink sunset with palm trees out there.

I used to have all of these ideas about myself and my beliefs; spending time on appearance is superficial, popular music sucks, I don't believe in exclusive partnerships, I am more sexually attracted to females, I don't like big cities, I am not outgoing, etc. These are all being questioned, replaced, or put to the test. Life's surprises are infinite.