Monday, December 8, 2014

Lately my life consists of working, and working, and working, and I'm really liking it. I always used to see work as an annoying necessity of life, but now that I have a specific goal in mind it's pretty satisfying. I sleep better (for both physical and mental reasons), worry less, and am, in general, immensely relieved.

My life is utter simplicity out here. I come to my job and I go home. I still do not have any friends in Arizona, and it gets a little lonely sometimes but for the most part I don't mind it. I don't know if I intend to make any friends here; probably not. The solitude is healthy and it's exactly what I need right now even if it can be trying at certain times when I really just want a hug from or a conversation with a like mind. It's giving me a chance to know myself better though, and I need that.

One of my favorite books talks about the importance of being connected with your inner body, and having deep roots within. This way emotions cannot take you on a wild ride and mess you up mentally... so I am trying to keep this in mind, especially during times of overwhelming curiosity about the future, physical and mental frustration, or anxiety. It is getting easier to stay aware even if it feels like I take steps backwards now and again. I have read somewhere that the higher you go, the harder you fall, and this helps to remember when I feel like I start fucking up in some area.

I've been playing guitar a lot again and getting back in touch with my musical side always feels amazing. The chord B9 is hard as hell and cramps my hand but it gets easier each time I play it. If all I accomplish while I'm here is paying off the lease I bailed on in Iowa, saving money, and getting better at guitar, I'll feel it was time well spent. Being here is an adventure, but more of an inward one.

Spending so much time alone has woken me up to how much anxiety I carry on a regular basis. It is something I am learning how to derail and redirect, and my general disposition is becoming pretty calm. I am loving the Phoenix winter. I'm at work right now and when I look out the window it's a pink sunset with palm trees out there.

I used to have all of these ideas about myself and my beliefs; spending time on appearance is superficial, popular music sucks, I don't believe in exclusive partnerships, I am more sexually attracted to females, I don't like big cities, I am not outgoing, etc. These are all being questioned, replaced, or put to the test. Life's surprises are infinite.

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