In my lifetime I have always heard people talk about their ancestry. The history of their own country, who their family lineage descended from, essentially identifying with things that I felt no connection to.
It seems almost blasphemous to admit now, but I never felt that any of that had anything to do with me, or now. I did not feel a connection to the factors that shaped humanity in terms of society or race or anything of that nature. I thought nationalist ideas were silly, and that people exclaiming that they are "Proud to be an American" sounded a bit foolish. They didn't choose to be born there, and being American had nothing to do with them, they had just happened to exist in this place as easily as they could have happened to come into existence somewhere else.
It seems so obvious now, but since traveling Europe I have realized that different places really are different. I always defaulted to the opinion that "we are all human, regardless of where we reside", which is of course true, but there are so many other factors that shape us, and that is nowhere near the whole picture.
Any time I tried to pick up a history book or was in the vicinity of someone talking about periods of the past, my eyes would glaze over. I am currently staying in Greece and there is a book at this house called "The Fingerprints of the Gods". I thought the title sounded interesting so I picked it up and flipped to the first page, which showed a letter from some past military figure discussing features of a map from 1513. I was instantly bored and put the book down.
A week or two later, for some (unremembered now) reason, I picked that book back up. I discovered that the letter on the first page was talking about a map that displayed knowledge of Antarctica, the way it was before the ice age, and that this knowledge was supposedly unknown until the 1900s. Once I deciphered the dry jargon of the letter and realized the implications of this mystery, I was hopelessly intrigued.
I did not put this 500+ book down for the following 3 days, and it shifted my entire perspective on the history of the human race.
For the first time I actually thought deeply into where we came from, what inspired the knowledge we currently take for granted of space, mathematics, agriculture, languages, what ancient mysteries and intelligence have been forever lost either by accident with time, or on purpose by being destroyed.
I finally understood the fascination so many people around me have for history, the things we "know" and the other, considerably more numerous unknowns about this period referred to as pre-history.
I thought scientists had a pretty good idea of how humanity has come to be. I am not so sure now.
The book presents convincing evidence that advanced humans (on par with, or possibly beyond our level of technology and intelligence now) have existed on earth way longer ago than is commonly proclaimed. For some reason this really struck me. It gave me a burning, and unique form of frustration, of wanting (and possibly needing) to know more about this.
Legends exist in seemingly completely separate, ancient cultures that have shared characteristics, leading one to wonder if there was not a common denominator that engendered their similar spontaneous advancements. There are stories of "gods" coming to undeveloped tribes, in some cases consisting of savages, and bringing them the gift of civilization, teaching them not to cannibalize one another, sharing knowledge of language, science, medicine, and more. It seems to me as though there was a civilization far more advanced than the rest of the world at that time (enough to make them seem immortal beings by comparison) that made it a point to share their knowledge for the advancement and prosperity of humanity.
I am unbelievably inspired and mystified by this stuff, and no longer feel disconnected from the history of humanity.
Saturday, November 28, 2015
Monday, October 26, 2015
Goals, long and short term.
Become fluent in at least 2 foreign languages (or more).
Get a lot better at chess.
Go to Germany and the Czech Republic.
Long camp trip (a month or 2) where I live almost completely off the land.
Visit Transylvania and the "haunted" Hoia-Baciu forest, perhaps camp there.
Take the Transyberian railway through Russia into SE Asia.
Buy and renovate a house (to sell or live in).
Get a lot better at hooping and possibly make it into a performance art.
Finish the book I already started or start a completely new one.
Find a reliable and location independent source of income.
Read a lot more, write a lot more.
Attempt to sell my art at a festival(s).
Have a really awesome pet companion.
Sunday, October 18, 2015
It's my favorite season. Apparently pumpkin pie is quite an American thing, so since I am currently living with 3 Europeans, I plan to introduce them to this wonder.
Life is very simple right now. Lately I've been spending my days learning Swedish, playing chess, and making electronic songs, all of which are very fun. I'm staying in a tiny village where people grow their own vegetables, eat their own animals, and often travel by horse or donkey drawn carriage.
Jag gillar att lära mig ett nu språk, och det är mycket mer lätt med någon svenska här. Jag älskar svenska språket, men jag är inte talar bra.
I am still in Bulgaria, but we're heading down to Greece in a few weeks, then up to Sweden. The plan is to visit America after that, so I'm hoping it all comes together. Loving someone from another culture complicates but also makes more interesting a lot of things. I am exactly where I want to be.
Life is very simple right now. Lately I've been spending my days learning Swedish, playing chess, and making electronic songs, all of which are very fun. I'm staying in a tiny village where people grow their own vegetables, eat their own animals, and often travel by horse or donkey drawn carriage.
Jag gillar att lära mig ett nu språk, och det är mycket mer lätt med någon svenska här. Jag älskar svenska språket, men jag är inte talar bra.
I am still in Bulgaria, but we're heading down to Greece in a few weeks, then up to Sweden. The plan is to visit America after that, so I'm hoping it all comes together. Loving someone from another culture complicates but also makes more interesting a lot of things. I am exactly where I want to be.
Saturday, August 29, 2015
8-29-15
I am currently staying in rural Bulgaria, doing a work exchange. The work consists of digging up soil for a stone path, sanding and oiling windows, and other various tasks like picking plums or trimming plants. I get free room and board in exchange for my work hours.
It's the first time in a while that I have gotten up early in the mornings and been around a lot of animals. The physical work makes my mind more quiet and helps me sleep better. I feel creative; I feel at peace.
I love this simple life, I love traveling, my passion has been ignited and my dreams have been set into motion. That constant yearning I always had to see foreign places, to not know where I will be next month, to learn as I go, to rely on my wits and spontaneity, has finally been fulfilled. I have always abhorred and revolted against routine and monotony, and this is the ultimate manifestation of that rejection, embracing adventure.
The more I see, the more I want to see.
On July 29th, I had a plane ticket back to Omaha Nebraska, but I decided not to take it. It was a spontaneous decision. I was planning to return because I thought I didn't have enough money to keep traveling, but I didn't want to separate from my travel partner/love, and there was so much more of Europe I wanted to see.
Going back to the states would have felt like giving up. Something I had to do; succumbing to defeat. I decided fuck that. I decided I will make this work however I have to, which included/includes being a lot more frugal, finding cheap or free accommodation, going somewhere very affordable (like Bulgaria), and having my friend sell my most prized possession back home, my acoustic Fender guitar.
I've learned that I feel certain pulls in certain directions. Urges calling me to do something, some type of intuitive desire. Fulfilling that desire is important, and once the commitment is made, things tend to fall into place. Once you make a specific thing your goal, or your way of life, it becomes the only option, and that is the way to make things happen. Your creative faculties then go into supporting this because you realize it's your only choice.
"Leap, and grow wings on the way down."
It's the first time in a while that I have gotten up early in the mornings and been around a lot of animals. The physical work makes my mind more quiet and helps me sleep better. I feel creative; I feel at peace.
I love this simple life, I love traveling, my passion has been ignited and my dreams have been set into motion. That constant yearning I always had to see foreign places, to not know where I will be next month, to learn as I go, to rely on my wits and spontaneity, has finally been fulfilled. I have always abhorred and revolted against routine and monotony, and this is the ultimate manifestation of that rejection, embracing adventure.
The more I see, the more I want to see.
On July 29th, I had a plane ticket back to Omaha Nebraska, but I decided not to take it. It was a spontaneous decision. I was planning to return because I thought I didn't have enough money to keep traveling, but I didn't want to separate from my travel partner/love, and there was so much more of Europe I wanted to see.
Going back to the states would have felt like giving up. Something I had to do; succumbing to defeat. I decided fuck that. I decided I will make this work however I have to, which included/includes being a lot more frugal, finding cheap or free accommodation, going somewhere very affordable (like Bulgaria), and having my friend sell my most prized possession back home, my acoustic Fender guitar.
I've learned that I feel certain pulls in certain directions. Urges calling me to do something, some type of intuitive desire. Fulfilling that desire is important, and once the commitment is made, things tend to fall into place. Once you make a specific thing your goal, or your way of life, it becomes the only option, and that is the way to make things happen. Your creative faculties then go into supporting this because you realize it's your only choice.
"Leap, and grow wings on the way down."
Thursday, August 20, 2015
Support for a talented friend.
I am fascinated by my friend Chris. We have always related on a certain level because we both have a tendency to be introverted and I feel like we both notice a lot, especially when it comes to social situations. It makes a quiet person feel a little less awkward to have another quiet person around.
He is one of the nicest people I've met, smiles a lot, and has a calm and quiet demeanor, so it makes some of this intriguingly dark art he comes up with all the more interesting. I never knew the ideas or stories behind these pieces of art until I just read the website he finished working on, and now I am even more impressed.
Monday, August 10, 2015
Thoughts
I feel kind of lifeless today. My mind wants to know why, but maybe there isn't a why. Maybe I need to just let emotions and mental states pass on by, instead of clinging and wanting to dissect and analyze them. Maybe I need to have more self compassion, that thing that a lot of us find so fucking difficult.
Switching up routines is important, health is important, creating is important, mental experiments are something I need.
Maybe getting in touch with dreams again?
Maybe doing that thing where I split up my sleeping hours?
Perhaps simply exploring my own mind could bring some clarity. I find myself seeking distraction all the time, and I think that's normal, but also sort of crazy. Constant stimulation is not an answer. Just allowing oneself to reside in whatever mental state is present without struggle or self judgment is an answer. That includes boredom and lifelessness. I already feel better delving more into this nagging background static of emotion. It works so much better than trying to ignore it or find reasons why I should not be feeling that way.
Acceptance transforms things, resistance deepens them. It doesn't have to be such a struggle.
Switching up routines is important, health is important, creating is important, mental experiments are something I need.
Maybe getting in touch with dreams again?
Maybe doing that thing where I split up my sleeping hours?
Perhaps simply exploring my own mind could bring some clarity. I find myself seeking distraction all the time, and I think that's normal, but also sort of crazy. Constant stimulation is not an answer. Just allowing oneself to reside in whatever mental state is present without struggle or self judgment is an answer. That includes boredom and lifelessness. I already feel better delving more into this nagging background static of emotion. It works so much better than trying to ignore it or find reasons why I should not be feeling that way.
Acceptance transforms things, resistance deepens them. It doesn't have to be such a struggle.
Sunday, August 9, 2015
Paris, the beginning.
I started my travels in Europe at the end of May. The 2 nights before my flight to Paris I barely slept at all. The first night it was because my friends had a party. I created some very purple art, had some good laughs, and even stared insanity in the face for a bit when a friend of mine had some sort of semi-verbally-violent and sexual-esque breakdown. The impact of this outburst was such that I and 2 of my friends all couldn't stop thinking about it the entire next day.
The last night before the flight I was just too excited and nervous to sleep at all, plus a couple friends of mine came bursting into the apartment at 2 or 3 am to "wake me up" and make me spend my last hours with them. I had a painting I wanted to finish for someone specific, and was going to miss these friends a lot, so I didn't argue.
On the flight I was actually able to sleep on the plane for a few hours, something I usually find impossible due to being in such close proximity to a bunch of strangers. I had Aphex in my headphones for a good chunk of that flight and now think of that day whenever I hear those tracks.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JviBATrVrNs&list=FLPCW_il8eyX9xa-PoRxA8BQ&index=2
My travel partner and I were trying to keep things light, keep it friendly, stay off the awkward subject of the fact that we had both committed to traveling to a foreign country together on the pretense that we were to be a couple, and that I had called that off but we were both still locked into the non-refundable and quite expensive tickets.
In the plane, the largest and nicest one I had ever been on, I was exposed to my first experience of hearing french all around me. It was surreal at first, but this is something I would grow accustomed to surprisingly fast.
We got to the huge Paris airport, exchanged money for some euros, bought some wine at the airport, marveling at how cheap it was (3-4 euro for a bottle of nice looking red!) and got a cab to the hotel, still quite early in the morning. They didn't have a room ready for us when we got there so we sat in the lobby with plastic cups and drank the wine, unsure of whether it was allowed or not and therefore being pretty discreet about it. We didn't have a corkscrew so I did the old trick of pushing the cork down into the bottle, splashing some of the wine up my sleeve in the process.
We got to the room and noticed that it was one bed, contrary to what I had reserved. This added to that unspoken awkward chasm that we were both attempting to ignore.
I wanted to sleep but I was too hyped up from all of the various stimuli, the excitement of finally being in France. So we went out to find some food. We sat down at a restaurant and the waiter came up to me and spoke in french to me. I was way too tired to say anything, let alone attempt to say something in french, so I stared blankly for an awkward moment until he realized and spoke in English to us.
I finally knew what it was like to be the foreigner.
After eating I was actually able to sleep. I passed out for 11 much needed hours, during which I had a dream that I had been on my way to the airport to fly to Paris and had missed my flight.
The crushing disappointment I felt in that dream was so real that when I woke up to find myself really in Paris, I was ecstatic, and all of the other stressful details seemed insignificant in comparison.
I excitedly told my travel partner about this dream, then we went out to wander the cobblestone streets of Montmartre, got hassled by a very persistent man trying to sell us roses, and found a very stereotypical looking french restaurant. I got some mussels that were actually pretty terrible, way too fishy for my taste.
The next day we explored the area a bit, went to another restaurant, and ended up getting a bunch of wine and beer and drinking in the hotel room.
Somewhere in the midst of our drunkenness we came to an epiphany. I had always wanted to travel to another country. He had also always wanted this. We both wanted travel partners for this. The pretense of romance with each other was what made us actually commit to these plans, and even though things played out quite differently than expected, it got us both there.
It all seemed to have a purpose, an order within the painful chaos, and we wrote it down in my notebook so we could discern the next day whether this was a valid epiphany or just drunken silliness. The next day it still made sense.
The last night before the flight I was just too excited and nervous to sleep at all, plus a couple friends of mine came bursting into the apartment at 2 or 3 am to "wake me up" and make me spend my last hours with them. I had a painting I wanted to finish for someone specific, and was going to miss these friends a lot, so I didn't argue.
On the flight I was actually able to sleep on the plane for a few hours, something I usually find impossible due to being in such close proximity to a bunch of strangers. I had Aphex in my headphones for a good chunk of that flight and now think of that day whenever I hear those tracks.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JviBATrVrNs&list=FLPCW_il8eyX9xa-PoRxA8BQ&index=2
My travel partner and I were trying to keep things light, keep it friendly, stay off the awkward subject of the fact that we had both committed to traveling to a foreign country together on the pretense that we were to be a couple, and that I had called that off but we were both still locked into the non-refundable and quite expensive tickets.
In the plane, the largest and nicest one I had ever been on, I was exposed to my first experience of hearing french all around me. It was surreal at first, but this is something I would grow accustomed to surprisingly fast.
We got to the huge Paris airport, exchanged money for some euros, bought some wine at the airport, marveling at how cheap it was (3-4 euro for a bottle of nice looking red!) and got a cab to the hotel, still quite early in the morning. They didn't have a room ready for us when we got there so we sat in the lobby with plastic cups and drank the wine, unsure of whether it was allowed or not and therefore being pretty discreet about it. We didn't have a corkscrew so I did the old trick of pushing the cork down into the bottle, splashing some of the wine up my sleeve in the process.
We got to the room and noticed that it was one bed, contrary to what I had reserved. This added to that unspoken awkward chasm that we were both attempting to ignore.
I wanted to sleep but I was too hyped up from all of the various stimuli, the excitement of finally being in France. So we went out to find some food. We sat down at a restaurant and the waiter came up to me and spoke in french to me. I was way too tired to say anything, let alone attempt to say something in french, so I stared blankly for an awkward moment until he realized and spoke in English to us.
I finally knew what it was like to be the foreigner.
After eating I was actually able to sleep. I passed out for 11 much needed hours, during which I had a dream that I had been on my way to the airport to fly to Paris and had missed my flight.
The crushing disappointment I felt in that dream was so real that when I woke up to find myself really in Paris, I was ecstatic, and all of the other stressful details seemed insignificant in comparison.
I excitedly told my travel partner about this dream, then we went out to wander the cobblestone streets of Montmartre, got hassled by a very persistent man trying to sell us roses, and found a very stereotypical looking french restaurant. I got some mussels that were actually pretty terrible, way too fishy for my taste.
The next day we explored the area a bit, went to another restaurant, and ended up getting a bunch of wine and beer and drinking in the hotel room.
Somewhere in the midst of our drunkenness we came to an epiphany. I had always wanted to travel to another country. He had also always wanted this. We both wanted travel partners for this. The pretense of romance with each other was what made us actually commit to these plans, and even though things played out quite differently than expected, it got us both there.
It all seemed to have a purpose, an order within the painful chaos, and we wrote it down in my notebook so we could discern the next day whether this was a valid epiphany or just drunken silliness. The next day it still made sense.
Saturday, August 8, 2015
Sunday, April 5, 2015
today at work.
The slow season is back at my work. I was sitting here up behind the front desk when a very skinny young woman walked up to the desk, with bright red marks all over her face. I recognized the marks, people who have been up on meth for a long time have them from picking at their face. She was really pretty aside from these self induced blemishes. Her hair was wet and she looked positively freaked the fuck out. She said there were bugs in her room, all over the place, and that they were crawling on her. She was pacing relentlessly, and said she didn't want to stay in that room anymore and asked us if we could send someone to get her stuff out of the room so she could leave, then she walked off down the hall. I was 98% sure there were no bugs, and that they existed solely in her under-rested and over-drugged mind.
We tried paging the maintenance guy, he had already left, so we put the "be back in 5 minutes" sign on the desk and went to help her get her stuff out of the room, accompanied by the head housekeeper.
When we knocked on the door no one answered so we used the master key to get in, and heard the shower running. We opened the door and saw the entire room was full of steam from the hot shower, and water was covering the bathroom tiles and seeping out onto the carpet. She walked up behind us at that moment and we were completely stunned. The housekeeper said, "charge her card for this damage! She's crazy!" and the girl kept saying "I need to get out of here, do you see all these bugs?!" and started grabbing her few belongings. "I need to get out of here, and get rid of these bugs, the bugs in my mind", and laughed crazily.
I walked into the room to try to help her get the rest of her things, handing her an inside-out black T-shirt on the ground. I saw a pretty nice looking smart phone sitting on the bedside table, that was completely taken apart.
She grabbed everything and we exited the room. The other desk girl and house keeper walked off down the hall and she went the opposite direction, so I walked alongside her, wanting to help her in some way. I asked her if she had anyone she could call. She said she could call her boyfriend, as soon as she put her phone back together, she had taken it apart to try to get the bugs out you see. I offered to call her boyfriend for her on my phone, but she said she'd figure it out and left the building to go sit next to a guy at the bus stop across the way. A few minutes later I looked outside and she was gone.
We tried paging the maintenance guy, he had already left, so we put the "be back in 5 minutes" sign on the desk and went to help her get her stuff out of the room, accompanied by the head housekeeper.
When we knocked on the door no one answered so we used the master key to get in, and heard the shower running. We opened the door and saw the entire room was full of steam from the hot shower, and water was covering the bathroom tiles and seeping out onto the carpet. She walked up behind us at that moment and we were completely stunned. The housekeeper said, "charge her card for this damage! She's crazy!" and the girl kept saying "I need to get out of here, do you see all these bugs?!" and started grabbing her few belongings. "I need to get out of here, and get rid of these bugs, the bugs in my mind", and laughed crazily.
I walked into the room to try to help her get the rest of her things, handing her an inside-out black T-shirt on the ground. I saw a pretty nice looking smart phone sitting on the bedside table, that was completely taken apart.
She grabbed everything and we exited the room. The other desk girl and house keeper walked off down the hall and she went the opposite direction, so I walked alongside her, wanting to help her in some way. I asked her if she had anyone she could call. She said she could call her boyfriend, as soon as she put her phone back together, she had taken it apart to try to get the bugs out you see. I offered to call her boyfriend for her on my phone, but she said she'd figure it out and left the building to go sit next to a guy at the bus stop across the way. A few minutes later I looked outside and she was gone.
Friday, April 3, 2015
Thursday, March 26, 2015
The other week at work I was confronted with my own mortality quite unexpectedly. There was this older couple staying at my work, well into their 90s, and the husband had taken a fall down the steps out back of the hotel. I heard the story recounted through other guests, who said his wife thought they were in 1946.
He was in the hospital when I got to work that day, but they came back that evening while I was working the desk. He had a bandage on his head and was still wearing his hospital robe over a pair of khaki pants. He asked me if it was possible to get some help in with their luggage. I don't like to admit this but I didn't feel like doing it at that moment. I was extremely busy up there answering the phone and checking people in, but I told them I'd come to help them when I got a free moment.
So I went back to their room in the back corner of the hotel and knocked on the door. It took them a while to answer and the first thing I noticed was the stench of their room, it smelled like straight up piss. He told me he was having trouble finding his keys, and his wife stood there looking very confused. Immediately I felt guilty for not wanting to leave the desk to help them.
I entered the room to start to help them find their keys and he looked in his pocket and found them, and then said let's go. He moved extremely slowly out of the room and then out of the door to the parking lot. When we got outside I asked him where he was parked. He wasn't sure, so I asked what type of car he had, and he said, "well, I don't know, you have so many over the years you know..." and kinda chuckled in an embarrassed way. So I asked him to hand me his keys so I could set off the alarm to find the car.
We found it and inched our way over to it. He was pretty fussy with me being careful with his bags, asking me not to tilt them and what not. I helped him carry his bags in, hyper-aware of my youth and agility, something I take for granted each day. They seemed so confused and so slow that I wondered how they even did anything or were able to drive themselves around. I realized while putting the luggage in the room that these people were at the end of their lives.
I realized that youth was fleeting. This realization hit me like a ton of bricks. Somehow I go about each day mostly blissfully unaware of this. I thought that I had started to accept my own death, and it's easy to think of it nonchalantly when you just imagine winking out like a light or crossing over into a different dimension, but old age, foggy brain, failing body? That isn't pretty to think about at all. This was a humbling reminder that those things will likely visit me, and I spent the rest of the night trying to come to terms with my own aversion to thinking about them.
He was in the hospital when I got to work that day, but they came back that evening while I was working the desk. He had a bandage on his head and was still wearing his hospital robe over a pair of khaki pants. He asked me if it was possible to get some help in with their luggage. I don't like to admit this but I didn't feel like doing it at that moment. I was extremely busy up there answering the phone and checking people in, but I told them I'd come to help them when I got a free moment.
So I went back to their room in the back corner of the hotel and knocked on the door. It took them a while to answer and the first thing I noticed was the stench of their room, it smelled like straight up piss. He told me he was having trouble finding his keys, and his wife stood there looking very confused. Immediately I felt guilty for not wanting to leave the desk to help them.
I entered the room to start to help them find their keys and he looked in his pocket and found them, and then said let's go. He moved extremely slowly out of the room and then out of the door to the parking lot. When we got outside I asked him where he was parked. He wasn't sure, so I asked what type of car he had, and he said, "well, I don't know, you have so many over the years you know..." and kinda chuckled in an embarrassed way. So I asked him to hand me his keys so I could set off the alarm to find the car.
We found it and inched our way over to it. He was pretty fussy with me being careful with his bags, asking me not to tilt them and what not. I helped him carry his bags in, hyper-aware of my youth and agility, something I take for granted each day. They seemed so confused and so slow that I wondered how they even did anything or were able to drive themselves around. I realized while putting the luggage in the room that these people were at the end of their lives.
I realized that youth was fleeting. This realization hit me like a ton of bricks. Somehow I go about each day mostly blissfully unaware of this. I thought that I had started to accept my own death, and it's easy to think of it nonchalantly when you just imagine winking out like a light or crossing over into a different dimension, but old age, foggy brain, failing body? That isn't pretty to think about at all. This was a humbling reminder that those things will likely visit me, and I spent the rest of the night trying to come to terms with my own aversion to thinking about them.
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Monday, March 23, 2015
Je suis chaud et frustre, je pense c'est purement hormonal.
Je sens tres en colere, et je jamais sens cette mais un fois chaque mois. Je ne suis pas familiar avec cette colere, il sembles etranger en mon corps et mon esprit, comme un poison.
Ce n'est pas un disposition ideale pour etre a travail, mais, je dois etre ici pour tout mentalites, j'ai ne pas un choix. Je dois etre ici.
Je devenir plus et plus fatigue, pas physiquement, mais en mon ame, et mon esprit, sont devenir fatigue.
Je ne aimes pas etre negatif, mais, je sera dit quel je veux ici.
Si pas ici, ou?
Je sens tres en colere, et je jamais sens cette mais un fois chaque mois. Je ne suis pas familiar avec cette colere, il sembles etranger en mon corps et mon esprit, comme un poison.
Ce n'est pas un disposition ideale pour etre a travail, mais, je dois etre ici pour tout mentalites, j'ai ne pas un choix. Je dois etre ici.
Je devenir plus et plus fatigue, pas physiquement, mais en mon ame, et mon esprit, sont devenir fatigue.
Je ne aimes pas etre negatif, mais, je sera dit quel je veux ici.
Si pas ici, ou?
Friday, March 20, 2015
I was sitting in my living room in Iowa having a huge internal conflict, emotionally torn up. I had been with the same guy for the last 2 years and we rented that place together. It was my 25th birthday, we had been talking all day about splitting up but were having a hard time accepting that it was for the best. We had had many good times and experiences together, and made amazing music together. We had tried to have this conversation many times before and always ended up saying fuck it, let's make up and get along, and I think we both knew we were just putting off the inevitable.
He was sitting out on the porch with the dog when one of my female friends walked in the door and sat next to me and asked me what was going on. I told her the entire situation, and that I was feeling conflicted about leaving but knew I needed to go somewhere and start over. She told me I need to fucking get out of there right now and go experience life! She said that she wished she could do the same, and would do it in a heart beat if it were possible. Her words gave me the courage to know that I needed to take the leap. It was a piece of outside advice contrasting the bubble of doubt I was currently enclosed in.
I had $0 to my name, but my best friend had offered to buy me a bus ticket to get to his town 5 hours West, so I decided to go for it and get out of there. We both cried when we said goodbye but even though I was sad on the ride to the bus station, I could sense big things coming, like I had just knocked over the first domino.
Since then, things have been unfolding miraculously and I'll never forget that conversation with that beautiful lady that was the final push I needed. If she wouldn't have come over I probably would have stayed yet again, out of fear of the unknown.
He was sitting out on the porch with the dog when one of my female friends walked in the door and sat next to me and asked me what was going on. I told her the entire situation, and that I was feeling conflicted about leaving but knew I needed to go somewhere and start over. She told me I need to fucking get out of there right now and go experience life! She said that she wished she could do the same, and would do it in a heart beat if it were possible. Her words gave me the courage to know that I needed to take the leap. It was a piece of outside advice contrasting the bubble of doubt I was currently enclosed in.
I had $0 to my name, but my best friend had offered to buy me a bus ticket to get to his town 5 hours West, so I decided to go for it and get out of there. We both cried when we said goodbye but even though I was sad on the ride to the bus station, I could sense big things coming, like I had just knocked over the first domino.
Since then, things have been unfolding miraculously and I'll never forget that conversation with that beautiful lady that was the final push I needed. If she wouldn't have come over I probably would have stayed yet again, out of fear of the unknown.
Monday, March 16, 2015
3-16-15
I'm going back to one of my old homes in about 1 month. It's the place I've spent the most time consecutively since the town I grew up in, so it's where my friends are, and it feels like home. My spirit withers when faced with too much routine, and too much routine is exactly what life has been.
I'm tired of not having my own space, and I'm tired of not having free time or friends around. I am not complaining, because now I can appreciate these wonderful things even more when I have them, but it's a solid undeniable fact that I am ready to move on from here.
I kind of feel like a potless plant right now, out of place, and on the cusp of something I am both nervous for and beyond ready to experience. I know that things take time, you cannot rip the skin off the snake, and all is working out in the exact amount of time it's supposed to.
I know these things when I take the time to stop and consider everything. All of this hard work is going to pay off, all of this time alone was much needed, all of this sobriety was much needed, the time away from (certain) temptation, the utter frustration of myriad forms, the learning to trust in the unknown, the slowwwwwness with which it's all happened that has taught me things I needed to know about patience. It was all necessary, and I resolved a lot of repressed issues.
I read something today that said that when we're feeling un-ease or anxiety or whatever, a lot of the time we automatically think something is bad or that it's a signal that we're doing things wrong, but really this is just a human thing; a normal part of existence. It's easy to forget that.
A friend of mine recently asked me if I've ever been in a state of being "there, yet not there" from doing a lot of drugs and it made me remember that I have been in that place, I was there for months/years and it fucking sucked, and now I am feeling a million different things any given day. This is worlds better than feeling nothing even if it's a crazy ride sometimes and I almost never know wtf is happening.
I can't deny, even when the monotony or anxiety feels like it's going to drive me insane any minute, that I feel alive.
Je vas aller a France en deux mois. Mon esprit ne fait pas croire encore....
Je suis un peu nerveux sur la langue et mon mauvais parler,
mais, j'espere ce sera bien.
Tout temps je ecrire, je sens mieux. Je dois rappeler ca!
I'm tired of not having my own space, and I'm tired of not having free time or friends around. I am not complaining, because now I can appreciate these wonderful things even more when I have them, but it's a solid undeniable fact that I am ready to move on from here.
I kind of feel like a potless plant right now, out of place, and on the cusp of something I am both nervous for and beyond ready to experience. I know that things take time, you cannot rip the skin off the snake, and all is working out in the exact amount of time it's supposed to.
I know these things when I take the time to stop and consider everything. All of this hard work is going to pay off, all of this time alone was much needed, all of this sobriety was much needed, the time away from (certain) temptation, the utter frustration of myriad forms, the learning to trust in the unknown, the slowwwwwness with which it's all happened that has taught me things I needed to know about patience. It was all necessary, and I resolved a lot of repressed issues.
I read something today that said that when we're feeling un-ease or anxiety or whatever, a lot of the time we automatically think something is bad or that it's a signal that we're doing things wrong, but really this is just a human thing; a normal part of existence. It's easy to forget that.
A friend of mine recently asked me if I've ever been in a state of being "there, yet not there" from doing a lot of drugs and it made me remember that I have been in that place, I was there for months/years and it fucking sucked, and now I am feeling a million different things any given day. This is worlds better than feeling nothing even if it's a crazy ride sometimes and I almost never know wtf is happening.
I can't deny, even when the monotony or anxiety feels like it's going to drive me insane any minute, that I feel alive.
Je vas aller a France en deux mois. Mon esprit ne fait pas croire encore....
Je suis un peu nerveux sur la langue et mon mauvais parler,
mais, j'espere ce sera bien.
Tout temps je ecrire, je sens mieux. Je dois rappeler ca!
Saturday, March 14, 2015
lately
I have 2 jobs, with one day off during the week. January, February, and March are an insanely busy time for Phoenix, and every night at work is crazy busy. The hotel has 166 rooms, there is almost always someone asking for something and the phone is always ringing. The place is managed horribly and nobody cares, so naturally, paying customers get irritated or pissed off often.
Since I work the evening shift, I never have a manager here with me, so any mistake or problem (such as someone's room being cancelled due to an invalid credit card, etc) I get the privilege of taking the heat for all of it. I am the face of the business they have a huge problem with, and there is no shortage of problems, constantly.
The first month or two here I was able to maintain a very calm demeanor, grateful for this opportunity to make money I need for travelling. For the most part I still stay calm, but it's been really stressing me the fuck out the past few days to the point where I've been dreading going to work, and having a hard time staying nice when people are bitching at me, and almost feel like I'm gong to pass out from stress at least once per shift. Last night I almost broke down crying immediately after exiting the building.
Today while at work I had a bit of an epiphany. It hit me that I have been taking life in general (and consequently this job) way too seriously lately. Nothing is that big of a deal, and this is a giant cosmic play unfolding before me.
I've been telling myself it's all temporary, don't take people's frustration personally, it's all for a good cause of accomplishing dreams, it's teaching me patience, etc etc, but all of that started sounding empty and wasn't helping and I still resented what I'm doing. Suddenly I snapped out of it and suddenly it's easy again and I can enjoy my interactions with people and being here. I don't know what made that occur but I'm grateful. And I always seem to forget that when things get crazy, there's some contrast soon to come.
Since I work the evening shift, I never have a manager here with me, so any mistake or problem (such as someone's room being cancelled due to an invalid credit card, etc) I get the privilege of taking the heat for all of it. I am the face of the business they have a huge problem with, and there is no shortage of problems, constantly.
The first month or two here I was able to maintain a very calm demeanor, grateful for this opportunity to make money I need for travelling. For the most part I still stay calm, but it's been really stressing me the fuck out the past few days to the point where I've been dreading going to work, and having a hard time staying nice when people are bitching at me, and almost feel like I'm gong to pass out from stress at least once per shift. Last night I almost broke down crying immediately after exiting the building.
Today while at work I had a bit of an epiphany. It hit me that I have been taking life in general (and consequently this job) way too seriously lately. Nothing is that big of a deal, and this is a giant cosmic play unfolding before me.
I've been telling myself it's all temporary, don't take people's frustration personally, it's all for a good cause of accomplishing dreams, it's teaching me patience, etc etc, but all of that started sounding empty and wasn't helping and I still resented what I'm doing. Suddenly I snapped out of it and suddenly it's easy again and I can enjoy my interactions with people and being here. I don't know what made that occur but I'm grateful. And I always seem to forget that when things get crazy, there's some contrast soon to come.
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
quel suis-je penser sur aujourd'hui? Je pense je suis en mondes de fantaisie. Recemment j'ai moins frustration de physique. J'ai beaucoup desir quelqu'un specifique, mais, je suis doit devenir patient. Je peux seul parler utiliser la peu paroles je sais, et que est pas beaucoup. Je dois ecrire en francais, si seul a moi-meme. Comment peux je apprendre sans le faire?
J'ai quelque nervosite sur l'avenir et l'amour. Suis-je prete pour ces chose? c'est un peu effrayant, je supposer je dois attendre et voir quel sera. je ai temps. Ce n'est pas possible savoir tous chose, je peux seul exister et attendre et voir, mais je doit aussi rappeler moi-meme etre ici et maintenant.
c'est incroyable, je peux etre tres honnete quand parler en un langue different. Aujourd'hui je sens beaucoup mieux, aussi toujours.
J'ai quelque nervosite sur l'avenir et l'amour. Suis-je prete pour ces chose? c'est un peu effrayant, je supposer je dois attendre et voir quel sera. je ai temps. Ce n'est pas possible savoir tous chose, je peux seul exister et attendre et voir, mais je doit aussi rappeler moi-meme etre ici et maintenant.
c'est incroyable, je peux etre tres honnete quand parler en un langue different. Aujourd'hui je sens beaucoup mieux, aussi toujours.
Monday, March 2, 2015
Je suis triste, je suis fatigue, mon esprit est fatigue. Je sens beaucoup solitude, et mon amies sont manquer. J'ai besoin de mon amies. Je suis content avoir mon pere et mon frere pres de moi, mais j'ai besoin de mon amies, et Omaha est etre manque par moi. Je sens Omaha est mon maison.
J'ai beaucoup desenchantement. Je sais tous sentiments passer, mais, maintenant ils paraitre trop grand pour moi, et difficile.
vais-je avoir paix quand je suis a Omaha, ou France, ou la maison de mon meilleur amie?? ou quelque part????
Quel est mon but precis?
ai-je un but precis?
Mon francais est mauvais, mais je forcer moi-meme ecrire en francais, peut etre je peux apprendre plus. Apprendre maintenant est mon but, je ne sais pas quel je etre si pas pour mon apprendre de francais.
Je suis toujours vouloir apprendre autre langue, je suis toujours vouloir voyage, et etre responsable, et je n'ai besoin de medicaments, ou alcool, et etre independance, et paix. Je suis fais ces chose, je devrais avoir fierte, et bonheur. Je seul dois recherche quelque ces paroles, et ce est agreable :) pour comment nouvelle je suis avec francais, ce n'est pas mauvais!
J'ai beaucoup desenchantement. Je sais tous sentiments passer, mais, maintenant ils paraitre trop grand pour moi, et difficile.
vais-je avoir paix quand je suis a Omaha, ou France, ou la maison de mon meilleur amie?? ou quelque part????
Quel est mon but precis?
ai-je un but precis?
Mon francais est mauvais, mais je forcer moi-meme ecrire en francais, peut etre je peux apprendre plus. Apprendre maintenant est mon but, je ne sais pas quel je etre si pas pour mon apprendre de francais.
Je suis toujours vouloir apprendre autre langue, je suis toujours vouloir voyage, et etre responsable, et je n'ai besoin de medicaments, ou alcool, et etre independance, et paix. Je suis fais ces chose, je devrais avoir fierte, et bonheur. Je seul dois recherche quelque ces paroles, et ce est agreable :) pour comment nouvelle je suis avec francais, ce n'est pas mauvais!
Sunday, February 15, 2015
thoughts
I'm contemplating human interaction today, both physical and digital. I have a European friend that I have been corresponding with for years who has been shaking up my perspective a lot lately. His words resonate deep within my being and we have never even met or spoken with actual voices. We are very opposite in a lot of ways, so I learn a lot from our interactions.
I am so thankful for the internet and the connections it has brought me, and how much it's changed my life in such crazy ways.
-One friend I met online has made me laugh and smile about my most shameful secrets.
-Another friend gave me a magical medicine that inspired me to leave soul crushing living circumstances.
-Another one is the adventure partner I've always hoped for.
I have gotten sad more than once about being far apart from all of these people but that is part of the beauty of it for a few different reasons.
I'm also contemplating short tempers today, since I watched a co-worker get into multiple verbal confrontations with customers last night. It was embarrassing to be behind the same desk as him, but I enjoyed being able to be the calm balance to his insanity and see that the people appreciated my calmness.
I was stressed out for a bit afterwards, and the night was chaos, full of complaints about the quality of the hotel (which I could only agree with), and complaints about my co-worker, who ditched the shift 4 hours early and left me with a full 166 room hotel.
Later on I had a man call and talk to me and call me a kindred spirit, and I had a woman call and tell me my patience and kindness made all the difference in the world to her when I helped her the day before. I live for these genuine moments, and they are especially beautiful when they happen somewhere where it's common not to breach any personal territory or show someone something real.
It is amazing how many variations the human form, attitude, personality, and psyche have, and it fascinates me to no end.
Learning how to manage and direct your emotions is the highest form of art, and the most worthwhile pursuit you can undertake. My attitude determines whether I am doing everything as though it is a heavy burden on me, or with lighthearted ease. It is resistance versus flow. I haven't quite figured out how to vibrate myself into the high plane of existence where everything flows at will, it seems to mostly happen spontaneously, but I am there now, and I will enjoy it and I won't cling.
I'm also thinking about gossip and rumors and contagious moods, how temporary our day to day existence is, how it changes without warning and how the mind never fails to expect it to stay the same. It's like a subconscious expectation you have that the people you see, you will continue to see, and your typical day at work will be the archetype for your future days at work. Does everyone have this subconscious belief or is it just me?
Life gets overwhelming for moments at a time lately, and sometimes I feel like I am undergoing tests as to what I can withstand and how many different circumstances I can find peace within. I'm immersed in worldly things and this culture and society, and am struggling a bit lately with the usual things, nicotine and alcohol, but I'm worlds ahead of where I used to be, and I think I'm doing a pretty good job at not beating myself up over it. I know I'll figure it out.
I am so thankful for the internet and the connections it has brought me, and how much it's changed my life in such crazy ways.
-One friend I met online has made me laugh and smile about my most shameful secrets.
-Another friend gave me a magical medicine that inspired me to leave soul crushing living circumstances.
-Another one is the adventure partner I've always hoped for.
I have gotten sad more than once about being far apart from all of these people but that is part of the beauty of it for a few different reasons.
I'm also contemplating short tempers today, since I watched a co-worker get into multiple verbal confrontations with customers last night. It was embarrassing to be behind the same desk as him, but I enjoyed being able to be the calm balance to his insanity and see that the people appreciated my calmness.
I was stressed out for a bit afterwards, and the night was chaos, full of complaints about the quality of the hotel (which I could only agree with), and complaints about my co-worker, who ditched the shift 4 hours early and left me with a full 166 room hotel.
Later on I had a man call and talk to me and call me a kindred spirit, and I had a woman call and tell me my patience and kindness made all the difference in the world to her when I helped her the day before. I live for these genuine moments, and they are especially beautiful when they happen somewhere where it's common not to breach any personal territory or show someone something real.
It is amazing how many variations the human form, attitude, personality, and psyche have, and it fascinates me to no end.
Learning how to manage and direct your emotions is the highest form of art, and the most worthwhile pursuit you can undertake. My attitude determines whether I am doing everything as though it is a heavy burden on me, or with lighthearted ease. It is resistance versus flow. I haven't quite figured out how to vibrate myself into the high plane of existence where everything flows at will, it seems to mostly happen spontaneously, but I am there now, and I will enjoy it and I won't cling.
I'm also thinking about gossip and rumors and contagious moods, how temporary our day to day existence is, how it changes without warning and how the mind never fails to expect it to stay the same. It's like a subconscious expectation you have that the people you see, you will continue to see, and your typical day at work will be the archetype for your future days at work. Does everyone have this subconscious belief or is it just me?
Life gets overwhelming for moments at a time lately, and sometimes I feel like I am undergoing tests as to what I can withstand and how many different circumstances I can find peace within. I'm immersed in worldly things and this culture and society, and am struggling a bit lately with the usual things, nicotine and alcohol, but I'm worlds ahead of where I used to be, and I think I'm doing a pretty good job at not beating myself up over it. I know I'll figure it out.
Sunday, February 1, 2015
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
I am a chameleon masquerading in the corporate world,
navigating through guest service systems while dreaming of mossy trees,
I am immersed in a concrete jungle, criss-crossing highways,
lights glowing ruby, emerald, amber adorned with neon signs
while desiring only the simple moon's glow.
I speak with countless people per day when all I really need
is one interaction that scratches below the surface
I'd like some instrumental accompaniment and vocal harmony,
but my lone guitar keeps me company, and my own voice soothes me.
and while I'd enjoy some physical contact, my own psyche holds me.
I've been conditioned to seek peace of mind without,
changing the paint on the house while neglecting the inner arrangement
but I'm not finding peace there, so I go within again and again.
navigating through guest service systems while dreaming of mossy trees,
I am immersed in a concrete jungle, criss-crossing highways,
lights glowing ruby, emerald, amber adorned with neon signs
while desiring only the simple moon's glow.
I speak with countless people per day when all I really need
is one interaction that scratches below the surface
I'd like some instrumental accompaniment and vocal harmony,
but my lone guitar keeps me company, and my own voice soothes me.
and while I'd enjoy some physical contact, my own psyche holds me.
I've been conditioned to seek peace of mind without,
changing the paint on the house while neglecting the inner arrangement
but I'm not finding peace there, so I go within again and again.
Monday, January 5, 2015
I am getting settled into a routine with work and living. I am out of what I would consider my natural element though I am learning that I can adjust to anything.
Everything is in a constant state of flux, the surprises are never ending, consciousness is moldable, reality is not static, perception is everything, and mine shifts constantly.
I keep surprising myself; what I would have once considered the scariest things are just another segment of my day. I still feel anxiety but I usually don't let it take over.
I am dealing with things that I kept shoved down in my subconscious mind and proceeding to become more and more free and less and less scared. I had a habit of being afraid of my emotions but now when I turn to face them they're often nothing more than shadows and I can't help but laugh at the fact that I've been hiding from them for so long.
I'm capable of whatever I need to do, I am not afraid of anyone or even shy anymore for the most part and it's good to know that. Instead of feeling anxious and avoiding situations, I feel anxious and deal with them regardless.
Instead of looking outside of myself for validation that I exist I'm going deeper within.
I'm getting to know my family members in a new way since I'm new. Today was beautiful and warm, I sit in the sun every day and I'm really thankful I have this place to figure my shit out. It's all temporary and we're all just walking each other home.
Everything is in a constant state of flux, the surprises are never ending, consciousness is moldable, reality is not static, perception is everything, and mine shifts constantly.
I keep surprising myself; what I would have once considered the scariest things are just another segment of my day. I still feel anxiety but I usually don't let it take over.
I am dealing with things that I kept shoved down in my subconscious mind and proceeding to become more and more free and less and less scared. I had a habit of being afraid of my emotions but now when I turn to face them they're often nothing more than shadows and I can't help but laugh at the fact that I've been hiding from them for so long.
I'm capable of whatever I need to do, I am not afraid of anyone or even shy anymore for the most part and it's good to know that. Instead of feeling anxious and avoiding situations, I feel anxious and deal with them regardless.
Instead of looking outside of myself for validation that I exist I'm going deeper within.
I'm getting to know my family members in a new way since I'm new. Today was beautiful and warm, I sit in the sun every day and I'm really thankful I have this place to figure my shit out. It's all temporary and we're all just walking each other home.
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