The other week at work I was confronted with my own mortality quite unexpectedly. There was this older couple staying at my work, well into their 90s, and the husband had taken a fall down the steps out back of the hotel. I heard the story recounted through other guests, who said his wife thought they were in 1946.

 He was in the hospital when I got to work that day, but they came back that evening while I was working the desk. He had a bandage on his head and was still wearing his hospital robe over a pair of khaki pants. He asked me if it was possible to get some help in with their luggage. I don't like to admit this but I didn't feel like doing it at that moment. I was extremely busy up there answering the phone and checking people in, but I told them I'd come to help them when I got a free moment.

So I went back to their room in the back corner of the hotel and knocked on the door. It took them a while to answer and the first thing I noticed was the stench of their room, it smelled like straight up piss. He told me he was having trouble finding his keys, and his wife stood there looking very confused. Immediately I felt guilty for not wanting to leave the desk to help them.
I entered the room to start to help them find their keys and he looked in his pocket and found them, and then said let's go. He moved extremely slowly out of the room and then out of the door to the parking lot. When we got outside I asked him where he was parked. He wasn't sure, so I asked what type of car he had, and he said, "well, I don't know, you have so many over the years you know..." and kinda chuckled in an embarrassed way. So I asked him to hand me his keys so I could set off the alarm to find the car.

We found it and inched our way over to it. He was pretty fussy with me being careful with his bags, asking me not to tilt them and what not. I helped him carry his bags in, hyper-aware of my youth and agility, something I take for granted each day.  They seemed so confused and so slow that I wondered how they even did anything or were able to drive themselves around. I realized while putting the luggage in the room that these people were at the end of their lives.
I realized that youth was fleeting. This realization hit me like a ton of bricks. Somehow I go about each day mostly blissfully unaware of this. I thought that I had started to accept my own death, and it's easy to think of it nonchalantly when you just imagine winking out like a light or crossing over into a different dimension, but old age, foggy brain, failing body? That isn't pretty to think about at all. This was a humbling reminder that those things will likely visit me, and I spent the rest of the night trying to come to terms with my own aversion to thinking about them.

Aujourd'hui et hier mon temperament est bon, et tres heureux.
Je suis tres content, j'ai beaucoup sante mentalement et physique.
Je ai ete concentrer sur mon sante recemment, et cette toujours fait choses bon survenir,
par exemple, beaucoup sychronicite! cette me fait tres heureux.

Je suis chaud et frustre, je pense c'est purement hormonal.

Je sens tres en colere, et je jamais sens cette mais un fois chaque mois. Je ne suis pas familiar avec cette colere, il sembles etranger en mon corps et mon esprit, comme un poison.

Ce n'est pas un disposition ideale pour etre a travail, mais, je dois etre ici pour tout mentalites, j'ai ne pas un choix. Je dois etre ici.

Je devenir plus et plus fatigue, pas physiquement, mais en mon ame, et mon esprit, sont devenir fatigue.

Je ne aimes pas etre negatif, mais, je sera dit quel je veux ici.

Si pas ici, ou?

I was sitting in my living room in Iowa having a huge internal conflict, emotionally torn up. I had been with the same guy for the last 2 years and we rented that place together. It was my 25th birthday, we had been talking all day about splitting up but were having a hard time accepting that it was for the best. We had had many good times and experiences together, and made amazing music together. We had tried to have this conversation many times before and always ended up saying fuck it, let's make up and get along, and I think we both knew we were just putting off the inevitable.

He was sitting out on the porch with the dog when one of my female friends walked in the door and sat next to me and asked me what was going on. I told her the entire situation, and that I was feeling conflicted about leaving but knew I needed to go somewhere and start over. She told me I need to fucking get out of there right now and go experience life! She said that she wished she could do the same, and would do it in a heart beat if it were possible. Her words gave me the courage to know that I needed to take the leap. It was a piece of outside advice contrasting the bubble of doubt I was currently enclosed in.

I had $0 to my name, but my best friend had offered to buy me a bus ticket to get to his town 5 hours West, so I decided to go for it and get out of there. We both cried when we said goodbye but even though I was sad on the ride to the bus station, I could sense big things coming, like I had just knocked over the first domino.

Since then, things have been unfolding miraculously and I'll never forget that conversation with that beautiful lady that was the final push I needed. If she wouldn't have come over I probably would have stayed yet again, out of fear of the unknown.

3-16-15

I'm going back to one of my old homes in about 1 month. It's the place I've spent the most time consecutively since the town I grew up in, so it's where my friends are, and it feels like home. My spirit withers when faced with too much routine, and too much routine is exactly what life has been.

I'm tired of not having my own space, and I'm tired of not having free time or friends around. I am not complaining, because now I can appreciate these wonderful things even more when I have them, but it's a solid undeniable fact that I am ready to move on from here.

I kind of feel like a potless plant right now, out of place, and on the cusp of something I am both nervous for and beyond ready to experience. I know that things take time, you cannot rip the skin off the snake, and all is working out in the exact amount of time it's supposed to.
I know these things when I take the time to stop and consider everything. All of this hard work is going to pay off, all of this time alone was much needed, all of this sobriety was much needed, the time away from (certain) temptation, the utter frustration of myriad forms, the learning to trust in the unknown, the slowwwwwness with which it's all happened that has taught me things I needed to know about patience. It was all necessary, and I resolved a lot of repressed issues.

I read something today that said that when we're feeling un-ease or anxiety or whatever, a lot of the time we automatically think something is bad or that it's a signal that we're doing things wrong, but really this is just a human thing; a normal part of existence. It's easy to forget that.

A friend of mine recently asked me if I've ever been in a state of being "there, yet not there" from doing a lot of drugs and it made me remember that I have been in that place, I was there for months/years and it fucking sucked, and now I am feeling a million different things any given day. This is worlds better than feeling nothing even if it's a crazy ride sometimes and I almost never know wtf is happening.
I can't deny, even when the monotony or anxiety feels like it's going to drive me insane any minute, that I feel alive.

Je vas aller a France en deux mois. Mon esprit ne fait pas croire encore....
Je suis un peu nerveux sur la langue et mon mauvais parler,
mais, j'espere ce sera bien.
Tout temps je ecrire, je sens mieux. Je dois rappeler ca!

lately

I have 2 jobs, with one day off during the week. January, February, and March are an insanely busy time for Phoenix, and every night at work is crazy busy. The hotel has 166 rooms, there is almost always someone asking for something and the phone is always ringing. The place is managed horribly and nobody cares, so naturally, paying customers get irritated or pissed off often.

Since I work the evening shift, I never have a manager here with me, so any mistake or problem (such as someone's room being cancelled due to an invalid credit card, etc) I get the privilege of taking the heat for all of it. I am the face of the business they have a huge problem with, and there is no shortage of problems, constantly.

The first month or two here I was able to maintain a very calm demeanor, grateful for this opportunity to make money I need for travelling. For the most part I still stay calm, but it's been really stressing me the fuck out the past few days to the point where I've been dreading going to work, and having a hard time staying nice when people are bitching at me, and almost feel like I'm gong to pass out from stress at least once per shift. Last night I almost broke down crying immediately after exiting the building.

Today while at work I had a bit of an epiphany. It hit me that I have been taking life in general (and consequently this job) way too seriously lately. Nothing is that big of a deal, and this is a giant cosmic play unfolding before me.

I've been telling myself it's all temporary, don't take people's frustration personally, it's all for a good cause of accomplishing dreams, it's teaching me patience, etc etc, but all of that started sounding empty and wasn't helping and I still resented what I'm doing. Suddenly I snapped out of it and suddenly it's easy again and I can enjoy my interactions with people and being here. I don't know what made that occur but I'm grateful. And I always seem to forget that when things get crazy, there's some contrast soon to come.

quelque temps, je pense j'ai trop beaucoup aimer pour gens. en la passe, ce rend gens tres jaloux. Je espere quelqu'un peux comprendre cette une jour. quelque de moi veux expliquer cette, ou essayer, mais, je pense je sera attendre et voir. gens est si attrayant pour beaucoup raisons different.

quel suis-je penser sur aujourd'hui? Je pense je suis en mondes de fantaisie. Recemment j'ai moins frustration de physique. J'ai beaucoup desir quelqu'un specifique, mais, je suis doit devenir patient. Je peux seul parler utiliser la peu paroles je sais, et que est pas beaucoup. Je dois ecrire en francais, si seul a moi-meme. Comment peux je apprendre sans le faire?

J'ai quelque nervosite sur l'avenir et l'amour. Suis-je prete pour ces chose? c'est un peu effrayant, je supposer je dois attendre et voir quel sera. je ai temps. Ce n'est pas possible savoir tous chose, je peux seul exister et attendre et voir, mais je doit aussi rappeler moi-meme etre ici et maintenant.

c'est incroyable, je peux etre tres honnete quand parler en un langue different. Aujourd'hui je sens beaucoup mieux, aussi toujours.

Je suis triste, je suis fatigue, mon esprit est fatigue. Je sens beaucoup solitude, et mon amies sont manquer. J'ai besoin de mon amies. Je suis content avoir mon pere et mon frere pres de moi, mais j'ai besoin de mon amies, et Omaha est etre manque par moi. Je sens Omaha est mon maison.

J'ai beaucoup desenchantement. Je sais tous sentiments passer, mais, maintenant ils paraitre trop grand pour moi, et difficile.
vais-je avoir paix quand je suis a Omaha, ou France, ou la maison de mon meilleur amie?? ou quelque part????

Quel est mon but precis?
ai-je un but precis?

Mon francais est mauvais, mais je forcer moi-meme ecrire en francais, peut etre je peux apprendre plus. Apprendre maintenant est mon but, je ne sais pas quel je etre si pas pour mon apprendre de francais.
Je suis toujours vouloir apprendre autre langue, je suis toujours vouloir voyage, et etre responsable, et je n'ai besoin de medicaments, ou alcool, et etre independance, et paix. Je suis fais ces chose, je devrais avoir fierte, et bonheur. Je seul dois recherche quelque ces paroles, et ce est agreable :) pour comment nouvelle je suis avec francais, ce n'est pas mauvais!