Poem.

Existence speaks for itself, wordless and unrelenting.
Narration is not needed and will only leave you resenting,

It's not culture's fault that language is inherently limited,
but the truth of life is wordless, so speaking leaves you inhibited.

There's a light that's always there for you to breathe it in,
It will revive your entire Being, and every cell within.

Its wisdom stretches back, far beyond my lifespan,
Surpassing yet encompassing the world, and dawn of man.

Writer's block?

I was sorting through some stuff in my room and starting to move it out of my apartment. The lease is going to be up June 1st. Our power is out and probably will be until then. Necessities("necessities"?) get thrown by the wayside in favor of cravings and impulse and white flagging. I got so caught up on knowing and thinking of my"self" as a recovered addict that I didn't see the danger right in front of my nose and realize that I still was/am one! Thinking of myself in a concrete way has never failed to limit me. Back at square one and picking up the pieces. Getting used to having someone close by that I cannot fool, that sees me and calls it as such, that does not allow me to lie to myself, that shook me out of my zombified self deception and illusion. Hurting you is hurting myself. There is no difference! And you are a mirror. And everyone is. And everything is.

I'm learning over and over that simplicity is the ultimate form of sophistication. Sitting in grass at a park can be an invaluable lesson in life and death, in impermanence and ever-changing form and life and death coexisting and fueling each other.

I came across a few notebooks in my room. I have a good stack of them dating back to age 18. I can read them and be transported to those times. My old writing seems to be primarily done while in extreme states of mind whether they be inspiration or despair, or written after the accidental ingestion of some crazy drug, detailing what I would later come to know as "depersonalization".

The question is, do I spend time immersing in past journal entries for how fascinating they are in relation to my journey as a whole? Do I want to see how many ideas I've started and not finished including a fiction novel that might have even been pretty cool had I written more than a few pages? Do I  keep these books or toss them? I'd like to have as little of a "self" as possible and I feel that these nostalgic items only add to it. Maybe it's good being reminded of how intensely I, you, the world, foliage, and everything else under and above the sun, changes. I'll give these books a once over and put them in a box somewhere. Maybe these realizations can lessen my self.

And irony is, smoking an entire pack of Marlboro reds in a smoke free hotel room at age 16 and working in a hotel 7 years later to face the stress of being scheduled for full capacity and one of the rooms being smoked in to the point of being un-rentable.

Irony is the sinking helplessness felt when a loved one is poisoning themselves with substances the way many have had to see me do, knowing and respecting that I had to figure it out on my own.

And irony is wanting to know someone so badly that I had to wait until I didn't want it as bad to get a chance.

And irony is wanting to paint something so magnificent that I cannot even pick up my brush.

Ideas currently being held in mind and pondered: The concept of pondering(and searching for a balance between all out constant analyzing and casual mind-play). Not about building up love within myself but searching for and breaking down the barriers I have built up against it. Thank you Rumi.

The Truest Sentence You Know.

"All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know." -Ernest Hemingway


Existence has no inherent meaning.  We are the writers of our own stories. Each breath is a word and sentences write chapters and ideas can flow as freely as we want them to. The trick is not becoming but allowing.
Does a waterfall have to convince itself to tumble down?
Do rivers need to be convinced,
or are they carried along by their own momentum and innate knowing of what to do?

If we come out of this universe, this earth, and nature which surrounds us why do we feel we should act or live differently than the stars or trees which peacefully stretch upward in a seemingly effortless fashion?

Perhaps the trying, the seeking, the analyzing, the striving is what should be put on pause. Perhaps what we need to do is let things happen.

Deciding not to swim against the current.

     It's amazing how, some lessons, we have to keep re-learning.  Self doubt never goes away no matter how many seemingly world-shattering events we've pulled ourselves through. Friends grow apart and it's always surprising. 
Every group of friends I've had, however seemingly perfect in it's entirety at any given moment, ends up splitting, sectioning off, and eventually fading out. When things are so great in any given area of life it's easy to forget that it won't be that way forever, or even long at all. What seems like "normal every day life" becomes a memory so fast I'm often left wondering what the hell just happened, especially when faced with expressions of a friend "wanting things to go back to how they were." 
I want to ask them, "How do you ever expect that to happen? People grow in different ways, evolution is inevitable. Nothing can stay." while a nostalgic part of me also wants the same thing.

This is extra motivation to live each moment as though it is new, and treat each interaction as though it may be your last with that person because it often will be. 
Interpersonal dynamics are about as easy to pin down or define as the wind. Every subtle gesture or subconscious attitude shapes these infinitely malleable relationships. Our neurons mirror each other, our moods and consciousnesses are in a constant state of exchanging information whether we're aware of it or not, we are all more impressionable than we'd like to admit.

"Here’s something most people don’t know about the human mind: It’s ridiculously easy to make literally any piece of unreasonable bullshit make perfect sense, to make any conclusion look solid, to rationalize things beyond recognition. All it takes is belief. Believe in something, and your mind will fill in the blanks with the necessary info to make it look like it’s true, no matter how untrue it is." -Manimal

For these reasons I will treat each being I encounter in the most conscious and present way. I won't let my brain go on autopilot and start making all kinds of associations based on that person's behavior of the moment or something they said. I will treat each individual moment and each individual as simultaneously unique and tiny pieces of the unchanging whole. Change is unchanging.

Grabbing the Reigns of Connection!

Do you ever feel isolated? Alone in the company of many, or seeking connections that go deeper than the average discussion of the weather or how the Olympics went?

I crave this every damn day. That kind of connection and open conversation where I can express my every true thought without fear of judgment and epiphanies flow like the Nile happens every once in a while for me. Not often at all, and not often enough. I used to think it just took a certain type of person that I got that vibe with perfectly, for that to happen. And though meeting and connecting with kindred souls is beautiful, I've also experienced that connection with people I didn't hit it off with immediately after meeting them.

These interactions, whether with those kindred spirits or people very unlike me, are some of the most fulfilling experiences I've had. I have been brainstorming ways to induce more of this experience, and feel I am onto something big. I do not take full credit for this idea, since it was inspired by multiple people and ideas, but I'd like to spread it as far as possible.

The idea is to start asking people questions. Everyone, your mother, boss, closest friend, etc. It sounds simple but I've already had great experiences directly resulting from it. I'm a firm believer that everyone has something to teach us, if we just remain receptive. Ever have a day or moment where someone you initially judged as having absolutely nothing in common with you ended up teaching you something or sharing a great conversation with you and leaving you surprised, elated, and humbled? Me too. Why shouldn't this be happening every day when the potential surrounds us at all times? I meet people and I want to know their life story; Their greatest fears, passions, intense memories, longings, etc... but it's just not socially acceptable to ask your waiter these questions. It can come off as intrusive to some people, and not everyone is comfortable baring their soul for people to see. (This is another area I'm working on; being unabashedly myself, vulnerability and all).

What are some disguised ways to get to the heart and substance of a person? A great one is "If you could go back in time and tell your high school self something, what would it be?" This is just a fun idea to think about that nearly anyone would enjoy answering, but also immensely personal. You'll get some slightly humorous answers, ("Which sports team was going to win on the bet I made!" "To be more confident so I get get a bunch of chicks!"). Yes those are quotes from my lovely dad and brother.
But either way it's cool and revealing, and you learn about what's important to the person immediately. I am working on a list of thought provoking questions to ask people, and I'm going to start using them daily. Instead of complaining that there's no interesting conversations going on around me, I am going to try to create them.

Holistic Decision Making.

Last night while in that strange no man's land between waking and sleeping(a great place for ideas, I've recently discovered), I realized something.  I've been smoking cigarettes more or less for the last 6 years. I shudder when I think that that much time has gone by, but indeed it has. One thing I've noticed in my quitting stints is if you fail once, you're back to square one. Go 5 days without a smoke, awesome! Friend comes over and offers one and you say screw it, you're screwing yourself.

As much as I've kicked and screamed and searched for loopholes in this simple and painful truth, there is no such thing(for me at least) as "just one"... and it's hard to convince yourself out of a cigarette when "just one" is not that harmful. I realized I have been making segregated decisions, rather than holistic ones. Instead of "I'm choosing to be a smoker", I think "I'm just having one cigarette", when that is not the case at all. Actions set the foundation for habits and thus life. It's easy to make a bad decision that takes just a moment when you think of your decisions as isolated incidents, but when you look at the very real fact that your entire existence is made up of those small moments, you take them a little more seriously. Thinking about whether or not I want to spend my life smoking is much more conducive to my goal than thinking about whether or not I want to smoke in that moment(which I do, of course).

Later on after the idea developed a bit further I realized that this truth applies to everything: Our eating habits, our thoughts, the way we talk to ourselves and others. We are creatures of habit. This is undeniable.

“Every decision you make is not a decision about what to do; it’s a decision about who you are.” -Neale Donald Walsch

The foundation of experience.

       Be open to any and everything that crosses your path. Take your time in experiencing life, give your complete attention to someone, cook a meal and enjoy it thoroughly.
A friend of mine told me about a quote that said "How you do one thing is how you do all things". Keeping this in mind, I'm not even exaggerating when I say that I had an existential breakthrough of pure bliss while simply peeling and eating an orange at work, because I surrendered myself fully to it. I let myself experience it without seeing the peeling process as a hassle or reading something while eating or mentally reviewing my grocery list at the same time.

We all rush through our daily events or obligations as if we're hurrying to get to something else, only to rush through that when it arrives. I often find that I get so caught up in looking forward to free time that I find myself being unable to put on the brakes(mentally speaking) when it actually arrives. And I end up not being present for it!

What are you rushing towards? What are you preparing for? Your life is NOW. Your life is all these "mundane" tasks you rush through each day. You are in complete control over the way you're going to perceive yourself and the events around you. The mood you are in affects how much you notice and what you focus on. If you're in a bad mood, you literally have tunnel vision. In a foul mindset, everything that happens to you throughout the day is going to prove to you that your foul mindset is justified... So why not try living without judgement and see what happens? See each moment as completely and utterly unique, because it truly is. You're always a new person, it will never be this day or this moment again. Treat it as such.