lately

I have 2 jobs, with one day off during the week. January, February, and March are an insanely busy time for Phoenix, and every night at work is crazy busy. The hotel has 166 rooms, there is almost always someone asking for something and the phone is always ringing. The place is managed horribly and nobody cares, so naturally, paying customers get irritated or pissed off often.

Since I work the evening shift, I never have a manager here with me, so any mistake or problem (such as someone's room being cancelled due to an invalid credit card, etc) I get the privilege of taking the heat for all of it. I am the face of the business they have a huge problem with, and there is no shortage of problems, constantly.

The first month or two here I was able to maintain a very calm demeanor, grateful for this opportunity to make money I need for travelling. For the most part I still stay calm, but it's been really stressing me the fuck out the past few days to the point where I've been dreading going to work, and having a hard time staying nice when people are bitching at me, and almost feel like I'm gong to pass out from stress at least once per shift. Last night I almost broke down crying immediately after exiting the building.

Today while at work I had a bit of an epiphany. It hit me that I have been taking life in general (and consequently this job) way too seriously lately. Nothing is that big of a deal, and this is a giant cosmic play unfolding before me.

I've been telling myself it's all temporary, don't take people's frustration personally, it's all for a good cause of accomplishing dreams, it's teaching me patience, etc etc, but all of that started sounding empty and wasn't helping and I still resented what I'm doing. Suddenly I snapped out of it and suddenly it's easy again and I can enjoy my interactions with people and being here. I don't know what made that occur but I'm grateful. And I always seem to forget that when things get crazy, there's some contrast soon to come.

quelque temps, je pense j'ai trop beaucoup aimer pour gens. en la passe, ce rend gens tres jaloux. Je espere quelqu'un peux comprendre cette une jour. quelque de moi veux expliquer cette, ou essayer, mais, je pense je sera attendre et voir. gens est si attrayant pour beaucoup raisons different.

quel suis-je penser sur aujourd'hui? Je pense je suis en mondes de fantaisie. Recemment j'ai moins frustration de physique. J'ai beaucoup desir quelqu'un specifique, mais, je suis doit devenir patient. Je peux seul parler utiliser la peu paroles je sais, et que est pas beaucoup. Je dois ecrire en francais, si seul a moi-meme. Comment peux je apprendre sans le faire?

J'ai quelque nervosite sur l'avenir et l'amour. Suis-je prete pour ces chose? c'est un peu effrayant, je supposer je dois attendre et voir quel sera. je ai temps. Ce n'est pas possible savoir tous chose, je peux seul exister et attendre et voir, mais je doit aussi rappeler moi-meme etre ici et maintenant.

c'est incroyable, je peux etre tres honnete quand parler en un langue different. Aujourd'hui je sens beaucoup mieux, aussi toujours.

Je suis triste, je suis fatigue, mon esprit est fatigue. Je sens beaucoup solitude, et mon amies sont manquer. J'ai besoin de mon amies. Je suis content avoir mon pere et mon frere pres de moi, mais j'ai besoin de mon amies, et Omaha est etre manque par moi. Je sens Omaha est mon maison.

J'ai beaucoup desenchantement. Je sais tous sentiments passer, mais, maintenant ils paraitre trop grand pour moi, et difficile.
vais-je avoir paix quand je suis a Omaha, ou France, ou la maison de mon meilleur amie?? ou quelque part????

Quel est mon but precis?
ai-je un but precis?

Mon francais est mauvais, mais je forcer moi-meme ecrire en francais, peut etre je peux apprendre plus. Apprendre maintenant est mon but, je ne sais pas quel je etre si pas pour mon apprendre de francais.
Je suis toujours vouloir apprendre autre langue, je suis toujours vouloir voyage, et etre responsable, et je n'ai besoin de medicaments, ou alcool, et etre independance, et paix. Je suis fais ces chose, je devrais avoir fierte, et bonheur. Je seul dois recherche quelque ces paroles, et ce est agreable :) pour comment nouvelle je suis avec francais, ce n'est pas mauvais!

thoughts

I'm contemplating human interaction today, both physical and digital. I have a European friend that I have been corresponding with for years who has been shaking up my perspective a lot lately. His words resonate deep within my being and we have never even met or spoken with actual voices. We are very opposite in a lot of ways, so I learn a lot from our interactions.

I am so thankful for the internet and the connections it has brought me, and how much it's changed my life in such crazy ways.

-One friend I met online has made me laugh and smile about my most shameful secrets.
-Another friend gave me a magical medicine that inspired me to leave soul crushing living circumstances.
-Another one is the adventure partner I've always hoped for.

I have gotten sad more than once about being far apart from all of these people but that is part of the beauty of it for a few different reasons.

I'm also contemplating short tempers today, since I watched a co-worker get into multiple verbal confrontations with customers last night. It was embarrassing to be behind the same desk as him, but I enjoyed being able to be the calm balance to his insanity and see that the people appreciated my calmness.
I was stressed out for a bit afterwards, and the night was chaos, full of complaints about the quality of the hotel (which I could only agree with), and complaints about my co-worker, who ditched the shift 4 hours early and left me with a full 166 room hotel.

Later on I had a man call and talk to me and call me a kindred spirit, and I had a woman call and tell me my patience and kindness made all the difference in the world to her when I helped her the day before. I live for these genuine moments, and they are especially beautiful when they happen somewhere where it's common not to breach any personal territory or show someone something real.

It is amazing how many variations the human form, attitude, personality, and psyche have, and it fascinates me to no end.

Learning how to manage and direct your emotions is the highest form of art, and the most worthwhile pursuit you can undertake. My attitude determines whether I am doing everything as though it is a heavy burden on me, or with lighthearted ease. It is resistance versus flow. I haven't quite figured out how to vibrate myself into the high plane of existence where everything flows at will, it seems to mostly happen spontaneously, but I am there now, and I will enjoy it and I won't cling.

I'm also thinking about gossip and rumors and contagious moods, how temporary our day to day existence is, how it changes without warning and how the mind never fails to expect it to stay the same. It's like a subconscious expectation you have that the people you see, you will continue to see, and your typical day at work will be the archetype for your future days at work. Does everyone have this subconscious belief or is it just me?

Life gets overwhelming for moments at a time lately, and sometimes I feel like I am undergoing tests as to what I can withstand and how many different circumstances I can find peace within. I'm immersed in worldly things and this culture and society, and am struggling a bit lately with the usual things, nicotine and alcohol, but I'm worlds ahead of where I used to be, and I think I'm doing a pretty good job at not beating myself up over it. I know I'll figure it out.

http://aubreymarcus.com/podcast/wpp/44-duncan-trussell-reincarnation-the-end-of-suffering-and-the-awakening/