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Thursday, August 20, 2015

Support for a talented friend.

I am fascinated by my friend Chris. We have always related on a certain level because we both have a tendency to be introverted and I feel like we both notice a lot, especially when it comes to social situations. It makes a quiet person feel a little less awkward to have another quiet person around. 

He is one of the nicest people I've met, smiles a lot, and has a calm and quiet demeanor, so it makes some of this intriguingly dark art he comes up with all the more interesting. I never knew the ideas or stories behind these pieces of art until I just read the website he finished working on, and now I am even more impressed.








Monday, August 10, 2015

Thoughts

I feel kind of lifeless today. My mind wants to know why, but maybe there isn't a why. Maybe I need to just let emotions and mental states pass on by, instead of clinging and wanting to dissect and analyze them. Maybe I need to have more self compassion, that thing that a lot of us find so fucking difficult.

Switching up routines is important, health is important, creating is important, mental experiments are something I need.

Maybe getting in touch with dreams again?

Maybe doing that thing where I split up my sleeping hours?

Perhaps simply exploring my own mind could bring some clarity. I find myself seeking distraction all the time, and I think that's normal, but also sort of crazy. Constant stimulation is not an answer. Just allowing oneself to reside in whatever mental state is present without struggle or self judgment is an answer. That includes boredom and lifelessness. I already feel better delving more into this nagging background static of emotion. It works so much better than trying to ignore it or find reasons why I should not be feeling that way.

Acceptance transforms things, resistance deepens them. It doesn't have to be such a struggle.

Sunday, August 9, 2015

Paris, the beginning.

I started my travels in Europe at the end of May. The 2 nights before my flight to Paris I barely slept at all. The first night it was because my friends had a party. I created some very purple art, had some good laughs, and even stared insanity in the face for a bit when a friend of mine had some sort of semi-verbally-violent and sexual-esque breakdown. The impact of this outburst was such that I and 2 of my friends all couldn't stop thinking about it the entire next day.



The last night before the flight I was just too excited and nervous to sleep at all, plus a couple friends of mine came bursting into the apartment at 2 or 3 am to "wake me up" and make me spend my last hours with them. I had a painting I wanted to finish for someone specific, and was going to miss these friends a lot, so I didn't argue.

On the flight I was actually able to sleep on the plane for a few hours, something I usually find impossible due to being in such close proximity to a bunch of strangers. I had Aphex in my headphones for a good chunk of that flight and now think of that day whenever I hear those tracks.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JviBATrVrNs&list=FLPCW_il8eyX9xa-PoRxA8BQ&index=2

My travel partner and I were trying to keep things light, keep it friendly, stay off the awkward subject of the fact that we had both committed to traveling to a foreign country together on the pretense that we were to be a couple, and that I had called that off but we were both still locked into the non-refundable and quite expensive tickets.

In the plane, the largest and nicest one I had ever been on, I was exposed to my first experience of hearing french all around me. It was surreal at first, but this is something I would grow accustomed to surprisingly fast.

We got to the huge Paris airport, exchanged money for some euros, bought some wine at the airport, marveling at how cheap it was (3-4 euro for a bottle of nice looking red!) and got a cab to the hotel, still quite early in the morning. They didn't have a room ready for us when we got there so we sat in the lobby with plastic cups and drank the wine, unsure of whether it was allowed or not and therefore being pretty discreet about it. We didn't have a corkscrew so I did the old trick of pushing the cork down into the bottle, splashing some of the wine up my sleeve in the process.

We got to the room and noticed that it was one bed, contrary to what I had reserved. This added to that unspoken awkward chasm that we were both attempting to ignore.

I wanted to sleep but I was too hyped up from all of the various stimuli, the excitement of finally being in France. So we went out to find some food. We sat down at a restaurant and the waiter came up to me and spoke in french to me. I was way too tired to say anything, let alone attempt to say something in french, so I stared blankly for an awkward moment until he realized and spoke in English to us.
I finally knew what it was like to be the foreigner.

After eating I was actually able to sleep. I passed out for 11 much needed hours, during which I had a dream that I had been on my way to the airport to fly to Paris and had missed my flight.
The crushing disappointment I felt in that dream was so real that when I woke up to find myself really in Paris, I was ecstatic, and all of the other stressful details seemed insignificant in comparison.
I excitedly told my travel partner about this dream, then we went out to wander the cobblestone streets of Montmartre, got hassled by a very persistent man trying to sell us roses, and found a very stereotypical looking french restaurant. I got some mussels that were actually pretty terrible, way too fishy for my taste.



The next day we explored the area a bit, went to another restaurant, and ended up getting a bunch of wine and beer and drinking in the hotel room.

Somewhere in the midst of our drunkenness we came to an epiphany. I had always wanted to travel to another country. He had also always wanted this. We both wanted travel partners for this. The pretense of romance with each other was what made us actually commit to these plans, and even though things played out quite differently than expected, it got us both there.
It all seemed to have a purpose, an order within the painful chaos, and we wrote it down in my notebook so we could discern the next day whether this was a valid epiphany or just drunken silliness. The next day it still made sense.

Sunday, April 5, 2015

today at work.

The slow season is back at my work. I was sitting here up behind the front desk when a very skinny young woman walked up to the desk, with bright red marks all over her face. I recognized the marks, people who have been up on meth for a long time have them from picking at their face. She was really pretty aside from these self induced blemishes. Her hair was wet and she looked positively freaked the fuck out. She said there were bugs in her room, all over the place, and that they were crawling on her. She was pacing relentlessly, and said she didn't want to stay in that room anymore and asked us if we could send someone to get her stuff out of the room so she could leave, then she walked off down the hall. I was 98% sure there were no bugs, and that they existed solely in her under-rested and over-drugged mind.

We tried paging the maintenance guy, he had already left, so we put the "be back in 5 minutes" sign on the desk and went to help her get her stuff out of the room, accompanied by the head housekeeper.

 When we knocked on the door no one answered so we used the master key to get in, and heard the shower running. We opened the door and saw the entire room was full of steam from the hot shower, and water was covering the bathroom tiles and seeping out onto the carpet. She walked up behind us at that moment and we were completely stunned. The housekeeper said, "charge her card for this damage! She's crazy!" and the girl kept saying "I need to get out of here, do you see all these bugs?!" and started grabbing her few belongings. "I need to get out of here, and get rid of these bugs, the bugs in my mind", and laughed crazily.

I walked into the room to try to help her get the rest of her things, handing her an inside-out black T-shirt on the ground. I saw a pretty nice looking smart phone sitting on the bedside table, that was completely taken apart.

She grabbed everything and we exited the room. The other desk girl and house keeper walked off down the hall and she went the opposite direction, so I walked alongside her, wanting to help her in some way. I asked her if she had anyone she could call. She said she could call her boyfriend, as soon as she put her phone back together, she had taken it apart to try to get the bugs out you see. I offered to call her boyfriend for her on my phone, but she said she'd figure it out and left the building to go sit next to a guy at the bus stop across the way. A few minutes later I looked outside and she was gone.
Recemment je fumer trop.
Mon energie est fous
Je pensez, et pensez, et pensez

Friday, April 3, 2015

Que-est que ce?!!!!!!!!!!!
Quel sera se produire?
Seulement temps sera montrer.
Pour maintenant, je sera prendre plaisir.

Ahhhhhh vie.

Je suis moi, je ne peux pas etre quelque chose autre de cette.