The journey and the truth.

     I've been on what you could call a "spiritual pursuit", "self exploration journey", (insert another random cliche here) for almost 2 years now. I replaced snorting pain killers with searching for meaning and happiness. I researched, compiled data, collected books, recorded progress, you name it.

I've had plenty of "this is it!" moments where I felt I had struck the proverbial meaning of life goldmine... only to find that my new found passion-flame would steadily lose momentum and burn out, every time, usually over the course of a few short days. It felt like I was going around in circles, diving into questions and philosophy, discussion and pondering, only to get jaded and withdraw completely, begin getting lost in mindless distractions again, grow bored of that, rinse and repeat.

I attended my second group meditation meeting Monday evening and the guy leading it used a brilliant metaphor that helped me see these apparent "cycles" as something a little different. He said we're all moving in a spiral motion, as is the motion of the universe (I have definitely noticed and thought on this before: DNA strands, spiral galaxies, the Fibonacci spiral, etc), but every time we reach the same spot in the cycle we are reaching it from a new(higher) perspective and understanding. I felt this to be utterly true.

What I've been realizing lately is that I(and you, and that other guy over there) tend to get caught up in concepts and techniques and end up missing the point.
I can't tell you how many times I've sat down to meditate and had to scold myself for not being able to focus on the method I was using. How many times I have focused so much on knowing my idea thoroughly to ensure that doubting Thomases couldn't throw me off, only to get too stuck on my wealth of "knowledge" to reap benefits of the idea. I cannot possibly relay how many hours I've spent arguing about philosophical concepts... Or how much time and energy and reading I have devoted to trying to find the technique or practice or philosophy that would finally work for me, keep me at that optimum spiritual peak, and out of the seemingly endless cycle.

I've taken psychoactives to aid in meditation(which they do, a lot) and have reached a deep meditative focus, free of mental chatter and ridden with pure awareness of the universe and my consciousness. In other words, the state I am seeking. While in these states I seem to come to a conclusion that "it" is all about simply existing. Just BEING. There is no big secret other than that.

All the intense "need"ing to verbalize the notion, relay it to others, understand it, remember it, etc, are distractions from the pureness of simple being. I have gotten stuck on a feeling that I could only reach this understanding by catalyst or reading about ancient techniques, or a Buddhist retreat, or mastering the idea so that no argument could beat it, when a simply drive with the music on and windows down can be as spiritually enlightening as an Ayahuasca ceremony in the woods.

Although all the chaos and pain and ugliness and inherent "searching" of the human experience is just as much a part of it all, and completely necessary(how could it not be?), the key is simply existing.

"To say yes to one instant, is to say yes to the whole of existence." 

-Waking Life

Complete and utter honesty, sans filter.

I've unearthed a subconscious fear of speaking my mind. My ever changing truth. My internal convictions. Fear of being deemed inconsistent, pseudo-spiritual, pseudo-intellectual, "hipster", ignorant, delusional, arrogant, too wordy, too incoherent, trying too hard to seem smart, revealing too much, being called out, being looked at as "out there" or being perceived as just saying things to seem "out there" or project an image of uniqueness.

I'm deciding right now to accept myself and my fluid and ever changing philosophy, I want to hit those lows and hit those highs and feel free and feel suffocated and embrace and bask in the interconnected continuums of existence. The universe is inconsistent, and I am the universe, and so are you, so embrace your inconsistency and be "weird", "dorky", "nerdy", "crazy", etc etc. :)

Sense your surroundings.

If ever you must despair on life's paradoxical behalf,

Glimpse the crisp air,

Breathe in the essence of trees, barren or blooming,

Churn in the cycle and vibe the transition

Rain or shine

Comforting warmth or bitter frigidity, thus is existence

and you are it.

Pupils.

What is this nameless and indescribably enveloping void? Holding a gaze can be uncomfortable or magnetic. You can't look but you can't look away. You will miss something if you do but if you don't the spring of your tension gets twisted and twisted until...? What is this imminent and unknown threat and what would happen if we decided to transcend it?
Would we actually see each other?
Is the thought of that too much to bear?
The thought of being bare,
of removing our masks and "protective" eye wear.

Perhaps something so familiar is also an unfamiliar and a never ending opportunity to lose yourself and find yourself at once.
Simultaneously expressing your individuality and your connection to the whole.
The windows to the soul.

Honesty.

We all think things and don't say them.

We omit thoughts and feelings yet get angry or disappointed when our expectations are not fulfilled.

We are afraid people will not understand certain parts of us yet we haven't bared them or only do so once every blue or purple moon.

It's easy to forget that everyone processes information differently, and because of this we tend to hold others to our personal standards and reasoning.
Banish preconceived notions, because with them, you will see everything as confirming your existing model of the world.

Seeing is believing? No, believing is seeing.

Life is a series of choices.

Do you like who you are? Great, decide to stay on that path. Do you hate things about yourself? Stop deciding to be that way then. A lot of people feel as if they are being pulled around by life, never stopping to realize that they are holding the reigns which guide them. In other words, too many people don't take responsibility for themselves. I have often pondered what being an "adult" really means. I have decided that it means not turning 18, or getting a job, or even moving out or starting college, but taking responsibility for yourself. It is when you become mentally self reliant and stop needing constant validation from others to prop you up. It is when you decide to stop spewing your negativity all over other people when you are frustrated, because you realize that your problems are yours to deal with(this doesn't mean we shouldn't all vent every once in a while), and you don't need to bring others down to your level. We all have this potential within ourselves but we often forgo it.

To become aware of the multitude of choices we face each day; (deciding how we will react, the choice to hold onto anger, the choice to make things either hard or easy on ourselves), is to experience freedom. How hard are you on yourself? One thing I have noticed about myself and multiple others is that though we may treat others with great respect, listen to them, and encourage them, we belittle and punish ourselves. Why shouldn't we treat ourselves with at least an equal amount of respect as our closest friends? Would you tell a friend of yours who just confided in you that they are probably going to fail, because they have so many times before? Or that they should just keep quiet or give up to avoid embarrassment? Hopefully not. A great challenge to give yourself is only allowing your mental dialogue to stay in as respectful of a zone as a conversation with your best friend would. We are human just as they are and though we may have to live with past choices we regret, this doesn't make us any less worthy of respect and understanding. Learn to let go of regret. Stop reliving painful scenarios and agonizing "what-ifs". Develop an ever present awareness so that when you get stuck in a circular mode of thinking, you can realize how pointless it is and snap the hell out of it!

Wake up to the choices, they are present in every single moment. It is never too late to start changing. Every breath shapes who you will be. Quit your negative tirades and realize that this is your life! The one and only. Accept nothing but the best! Give nothing but the best. It's too short to half ass your way through it. Your external actions and demeanor reflect your inner-self... What vibe are you giving off? One of confidence and joy or one of self hatred and insecurity? Humans are impressionable. Every single interaction, no matter how seemingly miniscule or insignificant, affects you. Ever noticed that coming into even brief contact with a joyful person leaves you feeling a bit joyful yourself? Ever sit in a room with an emotional vampire who literally seemed to suck the life out of everyone within a 10 foot radius?

We are all inter-connected, affecting each other without even realizing it half the time. Any idea you currently hold is just another version of an idea someone else had, or the combination of ideas that already existed. We all influence each other. Take the time to shape yourself into something good, something inspiring. Take the time to get to know yourself. Question your beliefs and how they got there. Ask people questions. Stop worrying about how stupid you look; if anything the only thing making you look dumb is your hesitation and self doubt. Life doesn't wait for self doubters. There are plenty of vibrant people out there spreading happiness and taking advantage of all of the opportunities they are presented with because they look for them. Which type of person would you rather be?

Why pain and joy are 2 sides of the same coin.

     Here's something I'm starting to realize and want to pass along... It's okay to be sensitive. I am just now derailing my long held subconscious belief that emotion = weakness. The ones able to feel deeply are the luckiest ones, for though they may suffer more pains in the heart than their fellow humans, they will also feel the deepest awe and appreciation. They will see magic in every day occurrences that leave others saying "what's so special about that?" I still marvel at the beauty of the moon each and every time I see it, and I hope that never changes.




I've seen more than one person cry in front of me and then apologize for it. They may as well say "Sorry for being human." It's simply nonsensical. When I see someone cry, I feel it. This means I, like many others, am gifted with empathy. This is what connects us and makes us alive. No one is made of steel and no one should pretend to be and then feel bad for failing.






A smart person I know said this yesterday:
"Any experience is better than no experience. Only the body-mind qualifies some experiences as bad and others as good. So enjoy your suffering cause it means you EXIST, you lucky bastard!"

So let's stop automatically placing certain emotions in the "bad" category while classifying others as good. I'm glad to feel sadness because it makes my happiness that much sweeter. I am glad to feel joy because there was a time when I did not:
I used to be hooked on Oxycontin and was a literal zombie. Having the drug was a prerequisite for (false)happiness. I have a memory of Christmas over at my ex's mom's house and getting off work to go over there, and being so pissed and feeling so hopeless that he had not found a way to get some. I had to fake the happiness I displayed over there. I needed OC to do anything, even go open presents that my boyfriend's mom bought me. I remember barely being able to eat any of the amazing meals they had over there for Thanksgiving or Christmas because I ate so rarely and my stomach couldn't handle more than a few bites. It was bittersweet because some of it was almost enjoyable, would have been had I not been so far from normal, yet my mind was hijacked by this craving and angst present due to the absence of being high.
My life was nothing but angst. It was such an odd feeling being around normal people who didn't need drugs or even alcohol, hearing them banter good-naturedly and being unable to have a genuine smile in response. I did not feel anything but craving. I could never fully relate to them because I was in such a different universe, constantly. I tried and probably often failed to look normal rather than empty. It's rather uncomfortable to recall these things but I would not trade any of those experiences because I appreciate things so deeply now. This is an extremely personal experience that I'm externalizing because though I would have been ashamed of it once, I am not now. I felt what it was like to feel like a walking dead person and now bask in simply being alive! So don't apologize for your emotions, embrace them!