Nov 10

Starting November 6th I'm not supposed to drink or smoke tobacco for one week (because of dental work). This has been awesome and purifying, even though I've already wanted to break it more than once. It sounds less appealing as time goes on. I am cleansing my body and mind and I can already feel the difference in my mental state and ability to sit still without succumbing to the impulse of my mind latching onto things.

In September I took a huge leap that I was terrified of, but felt was necessary in the deepest part of me, and things have been aligning more perfectly than I could ever intentionally orchestrate since the moment I got on that bus.

I am learning to let the universe flow through me uninhibited. Sometimes I get anxious or scared but I am mostly just too fucking excited about life to get caught up on worries. I am blessed and blissed. The more I reflect on events, emotions, people, etc, the more I see the yin and yang of pleasure and pain, and the less I want to strive for one and avoid the other. It makes no sense to cling to certain emotional states, and I think I'm finally realizing that on a fundamental, experiential level, rather than just philosophically. The more I watch myself, the more I see this as true.

Last night I heard this idea that 2 people trying to love each other who have not learned to love themselves is like 2 beggars begging from each other. This really hit me. I see now, more than ever, the importance of knowing myself inside out. This, in combination with trying to keep the void in mind, is conscious work, and I am loving the intensity.


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