I start these things never knowing how I am going to possibly describe what's in my head but here is my attempt at the description of an indescribable night. My friends and I were on our way to a little mini festival out in rural Nebraska. The rolling hills stretched around us, the weather was fucking perfect, the ideal Midwestern autumn. I took in everything around me as fully as I could, knowing I'd be leaving this part of the country very soon.

My 3 male friends all put tabs of acid on their tongue in the car on the way there, one of them even opted for 2. Being someone who enjoys being around tripping people as much as or more than tripping myself, I started getting excited to experience what their moods would be. We all passed around a giant mason jar of rum spiked coffee.

We got to the campsite and set up our tent and started drinking some beers. We set up a couple extra tents for our friends who would be joining us. It was late afternoon and the sun was golden and beautiful. We set up lawn chairs and all sat around talking and laughing with each other. We did some yoga.
My ex boyfriend showed up with his girlfriend and a couple other people. That had been a semi-awkward dynamic because her and I got along really well but he was uncomfortable with us being friends, so her and I didn't talk much at the beginning of the night, but as we all got more inebriated this changed. The very few times I've ever been around this woman I have been in awe of her in so many different ways. She is so intelligent, beautiful, talented as hell musically, and just all around awesome. I got a chance to get to know her better that night and even hear her sing some opera, and I'm very grateful for that. There was amazing music that night which included a funk band and a duo comprised of a drummer and a piano player that was surprisingly complex and lovely, but I spent a very small amount of time in the stage area and more time wandering around the farm and talking with my friends.

At one point me and 4 or 5 other friends were laying in a field talking about anal sex. I really enjoy asking people extremely personal questions, because how they respond tells a lot about them, not necessarily the specifics of their responses but the attitude in which they answer. Not surprisingly, all the people I was with answered frankly and without shame and we had a great conversation. Walking back to the campfire my ex's girlfriend I started talking about my ex and her current, and he happened to walk up to us at that very moment, pull me aside, and ask me to please stop paying so much attention to her because it was making him uncomfortable. This was one of those moments where I was extremely frustrated by the paradigm of what couples are and the unnecessary insecurity it tends to create, but I also felt really bad because I value his friendship a lot and didn't want him to feel bad.

He and I ended up talking it out and it was fine, and we proceeded to go listen to the music. It was about 1 or 2 in the morning and one of my friends asked me if I'd like to partake in some mushroom tea. This was a crazy idea since it was already late and I was already pretty fucked up but I decided why the hell not?
So my friend proceeded to prepare the mushroom tea as we sat in our lawn chairs around the little stove and bowl he had set up. The moonlight was so bright and it felt very ceremonial as we passed the metal bowl around and drank the tea.  A little later the music was all done and we sat around the giant campfire. The mushrooms started kicking in and people around me that I didn't know seemed a little eerie, but I had my best friend there and also a new friend who had hung with us that night who I was really coming to appreciate. I got to know him pretty well in front of that fire, and could see his open and cheerful spirit very clearly as we talked about various things and people and situations.

Reality got weird and the people around the campfire came and went and I was sitting many different places around the fire throughout the night but towards the end of the night I ended up sitting with a smaller group of people passing around a guitar, and they started playing Phish songs. I didn't know any of them but I felt amazing kinship through the music. I felt extremely grateful that I had been introduced to the amazingness that is Phish previously and could share a bond with complete strangers over it.

There was a moment when an old acquaintance of mine who I used to play music with walked up with his girlfriend and sat down next to me. I moved closer to share their blanket and ended up sitting pretty close to him. He put his hand on my knee and his girlfriend sat right there smiling and we all sang Phish songs. This was an immensely beautiful moment because it embodied my personal philosophy of love in its pure form.

Lately my life consists of working, and working, and working, and I'm really liking it. I always used to see work as an annoying necessity of life, but now that I have a specific goal in mind it's pretty satisfying. I sleep better (for both physical and mental reasons), worry less, and am, in general, immensely relieved.

My life is utter simplicity out here. I come to my job and I go home. I still do not have any friends in Arizona, and it gets a little lonely sometimes but for the most part I don't mind it. I don't know if I intend to make any friends here; probably not. The solitude is healthy and it's exactly what I need right now even if it can be trying at certain times when I really just want a hug from or a conversation with a like mind. It's giving me a chance to know myself better though, and I need that.

One of my favorite books talks about the importance of being connected with your inner body, and having deep roots within. This way emotions cannot take you on a wild ride and mess you up mentally... so I am trying to keep this in mind, especially during times of overwhelming curiosity about the future, physical and mental frustration, or anxiety. It is getting easier to stay aware even if it feels like I take steps backwards now and again. I have read somewhere that the higher you go, the harder you fall, and this helps to remember when I feel like I start fucking up in some area.

I've been playing guitar a lot again and getting back in touch with my musical side always feels amazing. The chord B9 is hard as hell and cramps my hand but it gets easier each time I play it. If all I accomplish while I'm here is paying off the lease I bailed on in Iowa, saving money, and getting better at guitar, I'll feel it was time well spent. Being here is an adventure, but more of an inward one.

Spending so much time alone has woken me up to how much anxiety I carry on a regular basis. It is something I am learning how to derail and redirect, and my general disposition is becoming pretty calm. I am loving the Phoenix winter. I'm at work right now and when I look out the window it's a pink sunset with palm trees out there.

I used to have all of these ideas about myself and my beliefs; spending time on appearance is superficial, popular music sucks, I don't believe in exclusive partnerships, I am more sexually attracted to females, I don't like big cities, I am not outgoing, etc. These are all being questioned, replaced, or put to the test. Life's surprises are infinite.

Journal entry from 10-7

I'm exploring bodies and touch, mistaking that for a road map that leads to my soul.
When all is said and done, I know what the inside of your mouth tastes like but still lack knowledge of my spirit's flavor. Yes I'm fulfilling my base desires, but they are just that; base. Fun, sexy, and mostly empty.
I find myself longing for a connection where we understand one another without explanation but what that desire really is, is a manifestation of my neglect to know myself that way.

Creating is what makes me sane and makes me me and helps me breathe.
-Writing is my lifeboat.
-Singing is my soul in sound.
-Painting is my flowing id.
-The hoop is my centering motion

Get over your fear of self love, even if you have to do that by telling yourself it will help you love others better and more genuinely. I have so many overwhelming feelings, but that is why I'm an artist in so many senses of the word. The trick is to learn how to channel all of that energy into a focal point... otherwise train wrecks shall ensue.

thought

I withheld the fact that I left my body when we finally released that tension. Every cell sung electric and my mind was gone; not just quiet but not there at all. I was enveloped in the void, free of my flesh through union of flesh.

Nov 10

Starting November 6th I'm not supposed to drink or smoke tobacco for one week (because of dental work). This has been awesome and purifying, even though I've already wanted to break it more than once. It sounds less appealing as time goes on. I am cleansing my body and mind and I can already feel the difference in my mental state and ability to sit still without succumbing to the impulse of my mind latching onto things.

In September I took a huge leap that I was terrified of, but felt was necessary in the deepest part of me, and things have been aligning more perfectly than I could ever intentionally orchestrate since the moment I got on that bus.

I am learning to let the universe flow through me uninhibited. Sometimes I get anxious or scared but I am mostly just too fucking excited about life to get caught up on worries. I am blessed and blissed. The more I reflect on events, emotions, people, etc, the more I see the yin and yang of pleasure and pain, and the less I want to strive for one and avoid the other. It makes no sense to cling to certain emotional states, and I think I'm finally realizing that on a fundamental, experiential level, rather than just philosophically. The more I watch myself, the more I see this as true.

Last night I heard this idea that 2 people trying to love each other who have not learned to love themselves is like 2 beggars begging from each other. This really hit me. I see now, more than ever, the importance of knowing myself inside out. This, in combination with trying to keep the void in mind, is conscious work, and I am loving the intensity.


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I had dental surgery 2 days ago, and they prescribed me opiates. The day before the surgery I was 10 months clean off opiates.

I decided that it was okay and I could handle it even though I had had problems (to put it mildly) with them in the past. I still don't know if this was my fear of physical pain or some dormant junkie tendencies talking, or maybe (likely) a mix of both.

What happened was they prescribed me 20 pills and I was supposed to take one every 6 hours but I ended up taking 10 the first day and the other 10 the second day. Today is the third day. It's almost shameful to admit these things, but it's really not. My brain feels slightly fuzzy today, but I'm not crushed or craving.

While on those pills I did not feel any happiness that surpassed my normal sober level of happiness. It used to be that they created happiness within me, and allowed me to experience peace. This is not the case anymore. They made me irritable, and itchy, and hot. They made it hard to think clearly and even to fully enjoy something great that happened yesterday, yet I still compulsively took them and obsessed about them. I think I used to enjoy them so much because I was always in pain before and they numbed me and made everything hurt less. Now I enjoy existence for the most part and being disconnected from my innate sensitivity towards it was not enjoyable at all.

I feel like I've outgrown the mentality that something like that could bring me anything worthwhile, yet I still found myself going through the familiar motions of an addict. Addiction makes no sense whatsoever.

It's actually kind of scary to think about. Scary, ridiculous, and absurd. I don't know what I needed to prove to myself, or what the point of that was. I feel glad that that experience didn't fuck my entire world up and make me want to spiral back down into oblivion (maybe knowing I don't have that option/connections for the drug helps too). I feel confused that it happened at all, but mostly I just feel neutral and will continue living. I still know what I want, I still mostly know who I am and where I'm going and I'm excited for the future.

Still focusing on enjoying each step, feeling, passion, without necessarily needing to act on or express all of them to people.

Things I'm addicted to now:
Sweet potatoes
The yoga moon salutation
Pictures of sloths
Loving people

“I interviewed a woman who is terminally ill. ‘So,’ I tried to delicately ask, ‘What is it like to wake up every morning and know that you are dying?’ ‘Well,’ she responded, ‘What is it like to wake up every morning and pretend that you are not?’”