Thursday, April 7, 2016

Thoughts From Last Summer

Today feels like limbo, or purgatory or something. I just need to get the words flowing and the rest will find its way.

Lately I remember my dreams when I wake up. Last night there was something about a car and a really unstable rocky road downhill. Something about driving past a town that had a 50s Elvis-ish theme and thinking of that Stephen King story about the city with all the dead rock stars.

Everything I want to write feels so damn cliche, which is why words aren't always my favorite mode of expression.

I'm having thoughts about 20 years flying by and looking back at this moment, or this time period.

These past 2 months will be something I remember forever.

I am in intense resistance to all of this ending.

I can feel it in my upper back and my neck, it's where all my suppressed tension and anxiety and resistance goes. What is the alternative to this involuntary clenching of my muscles? Maybe just feeling the anxiety instead of ignoring it, maybe taking deep breaths, exploring it thoroughly. It's starting to really hurt and bother me. I've always held tension there but this is a whole new dimension.

So many intense events these past couple months, so much strangeness all the time, crazy characters, drama, pain, laughter, absurdities, the ever changing landscape of life. How it flows, how it overwhelms with sensory data and then bores nearly to tears, and oscillates between the two with ridiculous intensity and suddenness. Another one of those extreme cases of "one or the other" I seem to know so well and find so familiar. What seems to be a characteristic of something that has the quality of constant change. The habit of changing habits. The permanence of impermanence, if you will.

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