Halloween

I have a less than glamorous job right now (arguably one of the worst) but future plans are keeping me motivated and it's helping me learn to make a fun game out of tedious things. It's a good opportunity to learn to maintain peace of mind and optimism in any situation. I don't have any in person friends where I live but I am not here to make friends.

I am learning to enjoy my aloneness. I am getting extremely patient; balancing that and excitement for what's to come. I am learning to live simply and appreciate the little things that I never bothered to notice before. I am learning to accept anxiety and let it pass through me rather than cling to it and let it shake me up.

Listening to music from older times helps to remind me of the impermanence of everything. This job, this dwelling place, the desert. Everything! My body is decaying as I type and that exhilarates me beyond description.

thoughts of tonight

I'm riding a wave of lust, impatient yet content
Keeping the horizon in mind, while remembering to relish the steps

Loving minds and appreciating anatomy, and that is enough
Being afraid yet brave enough to sit with that fear, following it to see where it goes

Jumping from one thing to another just means that you'll want to jump again
Throw yourself deeply into each part of the process so you feel the next one fully

Allowing shadows to dissipate on their own instead of solidifying them with my anxiety
Letting things happen. Being patient. Breathing, breathing, breathing.

sensitivity among the emotionally boisterous

I am a pretty sensitive human, and have always been this way. It is something that used to confuse me, then it frustrated and saddened me, now I am just grateful. One of the things that's been hardest about being sensitive is soaking up other people's moods.

Up until this past year or two, my entire disposition often got shaken up or even shattered by close contact with (or even close observation of) someone in the throes of extreme sadness, anxiety, or anger. I could physically feel the emotion seeping into me and I'd soon be an anxious wreck myself.

I could be on cloud nine, in my room journaling about how beautiful existence is, come out of my room to hang out with my roommate, hear him complain about life and say he hates people, and be sad for the rest of the night. In other words, I was impressionable to a fault.

To feel the emotions of others this deeply has always made me highly empathetic, but being like this was frustrating because it made me feel like I was at the whim of whatever my environment decided to spring upon me. It made me hate social functions where I knew there would be unfamiliar people with unpredictable moods or dispositions. In fact I was terrified of that.

I didn't really notice when this started to change, but upon the recent exchange of e-mails between a friend and I where we discussed being sensitive, I realized that I am no longer like this. I am still extremely sensitive, but the way I viewed human beings, emotions, and interactions back then is completely different.

The way I see it now is with fascination.
Each being is an island; a completely different universe that they shape with their attitude and mood. Watching the way individuals choose to interact with their environment is no longer a cause for alarm, but a cause for interest, and I claim no responsibility or even affiliation with the way others choose to go about it. I feel more as though I'm observing scientific phenomena than a stressful situation that should be remedied.

There are endless varieties of ways that humans interact with their surroundings, and even the "type"s that seem similar have their own subtle variations.
Comparatively, it's a detached way of viewing my fellow beings, but it's the way I've figured out how to maintain my own peace of mind among previously unsettling situations.

day one in phoenix

Could I handle my own mirror image? So far it's been like staring into a very bright light. Consistent exposure may be like direct sunbeams hitting my eyes and result in blindness or at the very least, over-stimulation. The mere thought of consistent exposure makes me feel like I may split into pieces.

I marvel at and crave being understood; at the ability to bare my soul without fear or shame because I know the ears upon which it falls already know, already get it, have already been there. I want to hear all your stories.

Is this just a way of striving to confirm my own existence? What is my motive here? Sometimes I struggle to comprehend it and at other times I just ride the wave and marvel at the experience, the magnet, the synchronicity. You. Show me your voice. What is deepest within you? I will sit in awe even at clumsy misrepresentations of this. Maybe it is completely selfish, maybe I do think too much, maybe I don't need to figure this out in any way but by letting it unfold naturally, however much I might prefer to let it enfold me like an all encompassing wave.

Blank canvas

I'm starting life over today. I have very few possessions. It took me 4 years to build up the friend group I have in the Midwest and that is soon to be behind me, replaced by purple mountains, dry air and cacti. It's nice to know I always have a base here when I need it. I think I'll come back and stay a month or two this Spring on my way to wherever I go next. I never know where that will be and that's exciting as hell.

My friends want me to write about my experiences; I think I can manage that.

Flying alone is nerve wracking but I don't think I'll have to do it again for at least 6 months.

I do not have a significant other that wants me to live a certain way, I answer to myself and it's long overdue. That means that I have no excuse not to do things. I will fucking travel and I'm not afraid to go alone anymore if that's how things go.

I read over my old blog entries recently and was amused because I always felt there was a message I needed to convey, now I don't give a fuck. The older I get, the less I care about the appearance of things and the less apologetic I feel about expressing things.

I have a good many things to be grateful for: A place to start over, multiple awesome internet/pen pals, something to write from, a voice to convey ideas with.

Incipient death
Impending demise
Imminent decay
Approaching end
Looming departure

Focusing on it makes life so sweet.

rocking my world lately.

10-18 thought

I have so much love for so many people that I almost cannot stand it sometimes!!! I literally feel like there's so much I cannot contain it. This is a good problem to have; I'm thankful for it and existence.